By Jean Illsley Clarke Ph.D.

Eleanor looked anxious. “Nathan graduates from college this spring, and now he wants to live at home to save money while he goes to graduate school. He is enamored with medieval art and he says he won’t be able to get a job in his field unless he has advanced degrees. I’m so worried.”

“About him being able to find a job in his field?”

“No, about what we will do. We have gone into debt to put him through college and I guess we have spoiled him. We have given him everything he wanted — tuition, the fraternity, an art study trip abroad. He never had to work a day. We have always said that we would provide his college costs, but that would be all. We assumed he would graduate from college, get a job, be self-supporting and we could go about rebuilding our finances. We wanted him to have the very best, but I know we spoiled him. Now, what will happen when he comes home to live? I’ll have more laundry and cooking to do, and what will we say when he needs money?”

What indeed. Time for Eleanor to get some help. First, a financial advisor to help sort out what needs to be done in that area. Then, possibly some help to break the overindulgence habit.

What have others done? The Morgansterns’ rule is when you graduate or leave school, the money faucet turns off. You can live at home until you set up your own place, but you pay room and board and share household duties. Jennifer shared shopping and cooking jobs and negotiated doing all of the housecleaning for her room and board. She found three part-time jobs while she looked for a career job. Two months after she was fully employed, she was able to afford a small apartment, which her parents generously helped furnish.

The Daniels went a different route. When Amanda came home from college she slept late, socialized with her friends and partied. If her parents asked for household help, Amanda whined, scolded, blamed, and got the whole place into an uproar. Her parents, to get some peace and quiet, rented a furnished apartment for her, paid the rent, and gave her a generous allowance until she found a high paying job.

The Rickfords, when Aaron wanted to do graduate work, held a big family meeting. The Rickfords emphasized that even though he would still be in school, he was now a contributing adult among adults. Adam presented a budget of projected expenses and possible income from a job on campus. Together they considered whether he should live at home and drive to the University or whether he should apply for a job as a dormitory counselor and get a free room on campus. If he opted to live at home, they discussed what household tasks he would assume. The parents offered to consider their own financial situation and see if they could pay part or all of Adam’s tuition to help him cut his student loans.

Janet, a single mom, had to close the money faucet. “Marti wants to live at home and go to graduate school, but the company I work for has merged and I took a pay cut. I have to move to a smaller place and I have two younger daughters to get through school. Marti will have to be on her own. I’ll give her emotional support, but I just can’t give her any more money. She’s a wonderful girl. I’m sure she’ll make it.”

What will Eleanor and her husband do about Nathan? We know from the Overindulgence Research Studies that overindulgence does not help children in the long run. What kinds of strengths will Eleanor need to stop overindulging Nathan? What would you do?

(Jean Illsley Clarke Ph.D., Connie Dawson Ph.D., and David J. Bredehoft Ph.D. are co-authors of How Much is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likable, Responsible, and Respectful Children. Jean can be reached at jiconsults@aol.com. To read more about overindulgence go to www.overindulgence.info.)