By Jean Illsley Clarke Ph.D.

Adrianna, 3 1/2, was cranky. Auntie Gina thought a bubble bath might help. She sprinkled a little of the blue bubble bath salts on the bottom of the tub, secured the top on the container, set the bottle up on the shelf and turned the faucet on full force.

Adrianna dropped her clothes on the white carpet and slid into the tub. The tub toys plopped into the water. The grumpies vanished.

Gina returned to the porch. Ten minutes later, a buck-naked little girl streaked onto the porch yelling, “Mom! I didn’t do it, but you better tell Auntie Gina there is a problem.”

A problem? Indeed. The bottle lay empty and blue granules spread across the white carpet.

Typical 3-year-old behavior? Well, if not typical, certainly not unusual. The question is how to handle it. How to reward Adrianna for reporting, and how to discomfort her about spilling the bath salts and lying. Mom demanded that Adrianna look her in the eye and said evenly, “This is a mess. You must ask Auntie Gina if she wants your help cleaning it up, or if she wants us to get out of her way.”  Adrianna demurred. “I didn’t do it.” Mom ignored that detour and insisted “Adrianna ask!” Gina’s quick “Out!” sent Mom and Adrianna scurrying back to the porch.

“So,” Mom held Adrianna firmly in her lap, “If you can’t help Auntie clean up the mess, we will have to think of something else you that can do to make amends. Do you remember what making amends is?”

“Make better?”

“What could you do to make it better for Auntie Gina?”

Half an hour later, Dad, with a satisfied grin, and a little girl with a pensive attitude, returned.

“What are you going to do?” 

Adrianna looked to her dad but he remained quiet. Finally she spoke. “Already did. We found wood for the fireplace. I’ll tell Auntie I sorry.”

“Finding firewood. That was a kind thing to do. It doesn’t fix the rug, but it does help your Auntie.” Mom’s voice grew stern. “However, don’t say you are sorry unless you really are. That’s lying and we don’t want you to lie. And next time, don’t say, ‘I didn’t do it’ if you did.  Now go find Auntie Gina.”

No overindulgence, criticism, or abuse, here. Only good discipline. Take responsibility for your own actions, make amends and tell the truth.

The three ways of overindulging might have looked like this:

n Too much: “Daddy will buy a new carpet. You never mind darling.” The child learns that you don’t have to respect other people’s property.

n Over nurture: Doing for the child what she should be doing for herself. “Don’t worry, sweetie, I’ll tell Auntie Gina it was just an accident. Run and play now.” The child learns: that she doesn’t have to become competent. Others will do thing for her.

n Soft structure: Lax rules. “Auntie Gina shouldn’t have left the bottle in the bathroom. She expects too much of a 3-year-old.” The child learns that she doesn’t have to be responsible. Others should be responsible for her.

Making amends can be a good alternative to natural and logical consequences. The natural consequence of having the child clean the rug wasn’t feasible, and the logical consequence of no bubble baths for a month is too distant for the 3-year-old mind. Adrianna needed immediate help with how to be competence and reinstate herself as a positive, contributing member of the family, and she got it.

There is lots more about how to avoid overindulging in the “How Much Is Enough” book.

(Jean Illsley Clarke Ph.D., Connie Dawson Ph.D., and David J. Bredehoft Ph.D. are co-authors of “How Much is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible, and Respectful Children.” Illsley Clarke can be reached at jiconsults@aol.com.)