By Jean Illsley Clarke, Ph.D.

“I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!” Who among us hasn’t raised our voice in the ice cream chant, sometimes to let the world know that we are the children and that we do have wishes, and sometimes just for the fun of yelling?

Leah was shouting the ice cream chant on the way to the shopping center. Soon she made up her own chant. “I want strawberry, I want vanilla, I want maple nut, no I want chocolate.” Leah wasn’t in it just for the noise; she was determined to get some of that delicious cold stuff.

Her mom said, “OK, OK, we get your ice cream cone first and then you stay near me while I do my shopping.”

“Are you getting a cone?

“Not today. I’ll have some bites of yours.”

Four-year-old Leah, hoisted up by her mother, peered into the glass case and decided first on one flavor, then another. Finally, the winner — blueberry. Two large scoops of the purple stuff almost tottered on the cone. Leah circled around the shop, biting off bits of the pungent sweet and dropping other bits on the floor. Suddenly Leah chucked the barely eaten sweet into the trash receptacle. Her mom reprimanded, “Hey, I didn’t get my bites!” Leah marched to the door, slanted a wicked glance back toward her mom, and said, “Let’s go.” Mom wasn’t sure what to do so she held her tongue.

Later, mom reviewed her options.

n The cone had cost more than $4. Her arm had wanted to swat Leah for wasting the money, but she knew that would trigger a screaming, hissy fit.

n She could have scolded Leah, but Leah didn’t care a twit about scoldings. She was a Teflon child.

n She could have said, “OK. If you can’t share, no ice cream cones for you for a month,” but she knew that wouldn’t stop the begging.

n She could just let it go. After all, it was just ice cream. That would be easiest. But that would reinforce Leah’s stance that she is the-princess-who-must-be-obeyed.

Mom needed a new approach. Four-year-olds are supposed to be learning social manners, so Mom decided to leave money lessons for later and to focus on Leah’s insolent disobedience.

On their next trip to the shops, Leah shouted the “I scream for ice cream” chant. After stopping the car, Mom looked Leah in the eye and said very calmly, but very surely, “Today you choose the flavor of the ice cream cone. But, because you forgot to let me have my bites last time, I get my bites first. If you fuss, next time I get first bites and I get to choose the flavor.”

Mom was as good as her word. She took the cone and a spoon, sat at a little table by the window, and enjoyed several spoon-bites. When Leah started to pucker up, Mom said firmly, “Remember what I said about fussing.” But Leah whined through the whole shopping trip. So next time, Mom choose and took first bites. Again Leah fussed. The next time Mom ate a whole ice cream cone and Leah didn’t get any.

Cruel you say? Not cruel, just difficult. But nobody said raising children was easy, and Mom was really strengthening her mothering backbone. What is cruel is letting children hold tight to their position as ruler of the universe. It is also cruel not to give children the practice of delaying gratification. Leah was a lucky girl.

(Jean Illsley Clarke, Ph.D., Connie Dawson, Ph.D., and David J. Bredehoft, Ph.D. are co-authors of “How Much is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible, and Respectful Children.” Illsley Clarke can be reached at jiconsults@aol.com. To read more about overindulgence go to www.overindulgence.info.)