By Jean Illsley Clarke Ph.D.

At 19, Nathan needs an Audi convertible. After all, he has been driving an old Toyota since he was 16. Well, 15. He had driven for a year without a license. Since it seemed to be a convenience to have him do errands, and since he seemed to drive carefully, and since it didn’t seem to do any harm, his mom thought it seemed OK. And it seemed to make him happy.

Now it seems that Nathan “needs” an Audi convertible.

The dictionary says that something that seems to be true is “apparent but perhaps not true.” But seeming had become real for Nathan, and so, although it seemed to his mom that a new Audi convertible was not a good idea, one Saturday afternoon she found herself in the Audi showroom with a beaming teenager.

Her thoughts rambled. Who would pay the insurance? As if that were really a question. Who would make the car payments? Nathan was going off to college, not to a high-paying job. Who would pay for the insurance, the gas and the upkeep? Mom, of course. Why not? She always had. She didn’t even get to thoughts about whether an Audi convertible would help Nathan be a better person.

Nathan guided his mom to the car of his choice and pointed out desirable qualities. The airbags would keep him safe and the adjustable seats would keep her comfortable if she rode with him. His timing was perfect. A little pushing, a little waiting, a little pleading, a little waiting. A nearby shopper heard the beleaguered woman mutter twice, “I don’t want to see you in that car.” Nathan was impervious to his mother’s discomfort. The shopper thought the boy would probably win. There was no salesperson hovering near them. One look at the long-suffering woman and the confident boy told the salesman to just wait while the boy did his job.

How, you may ask, did this well-meaning mom end up with a manipulating, demanding, unreasonable teenager who always got his way? Whose wants had morphed into needs? Most likely out of a good heart. Life had not been easy for Nathan’s mom, and she wanted her son to have an easier time. She always had Nathan’s best interests at heart and she wanted him to be happy. What parents don’t want their children to be happy? What parent doesn’t find the line between abundance and too much to be a wide, fuzzy quicksand area? What parent doesn’t sometimes yield under the pressure of a determined, persistent, clever child?

Nathan’s mom, wanting her child to be happy, had overindulged him. She had given and given until the gifts were no longer appreciated but had become an entitlement. The preamble to the Constitution says that citizens have the “right to pursue” happiness, not to be “given” happiness. Unless he grows up, learns to separate his wants from his needs, and how to earn both, there will be neither enough nor true happiness for this unfortunate lad. What a great gift it would be if this mom could garner the courage to say no and let Nathan learn to deal with disappointment before the cruel world of adulthood starts teaching him these lessons.

There is more about the hazards of entitlement in the book “How Much is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible, and Respectful Children.”

(Jean Illsley Clarke Ph.D., Connie Dawson Ph.D., and David J. Bredehoft Ph.D. are co-authors of “How Much is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible, and Respectful Children.” Illsley Clarke can be reached at jiconsults@aol.com. To read more about overindulgence go to www.overindulgence.info.)