I just spoke to a vice principal in a District 2 middle school in Los Angeles whom I’d met while doing research a few months back. We’ve stayed in touch. He’s been employed by the school system for more than 30 years. He told me that in all these years, he has never seen what he’s seeing today — the pre-teens’ behavior at his school is even stumping him. The kids are talking back to teachers, bullying one another to excess, smoking in secret corners of the school and acting completely out of control. He told me that the basic thing is that “the parents don’t have a clue.”

Asked what he meant by that, the vice principal said parents, who are currently overburdened and overstressed in their own lives, are not aware of their child’s behavior in school or even relating to the changes going on with their pre-teens.

This usually zany, childish and silly behaving group of middle school pre-teens are in the process of changing and transforming their physical and mental states, with each pre-teen reacting in a different way, based on their own personalities and their own experiences. These changes bring with it confusion, emotional mood swings and body changes. The v.p. knows there is a disastrous broken connection between parents and their middle school child, but can’t figure out what to do about it.

As we discussed the situation further, I told him that I thought there were three issues necessary to create this connection, and also to create a deeper special relationship between a parent and a child.

First, and most important, is for a parent to take the time and space to communicate with their child. This communication is taking the time to discuss issues regarding drinking, drugs, violence, family guidelines and expected behaviors. This is vital for your child’s mental stability and growth. Letting your child know there is zero tolerance for liquor and drug use is a must. Each parent should take his or her child out (every month or so) early in the morning, before school starts, for breakfast and have a heart-to-heart talk. This time for communication is unencumbered by other family members being around and allows both of you to open up to feelings and thoughts that haven’t been expressed. If this isn’t possible, then parents should insist that family members share dinner together regularly to discuss what’s going on in each person’s life.

Second is to provide your pre-teen with a comfortable and nurturing home environment, healthy meals, daily patterns and routines of when to watch TV, do homework, expect chores completed, and allowing your child to experience a good seven to eight hours of sleep each night. A middle school child, who is going through so many changes, needs to have a restful night and wake up ready to face their own stressful day.

Third is for parents to stop themselves from reacting too quickly to what your child tells you. All kids really hate it when their parents “freak out.” Remain composed and centered as you talk to your child. Don’t react strongly to what your child tells you. Middle school kids are not only exploring new and different outlooks, they are also discovering more about themselves. Remind your child that you’ve never been a mother/father to a pre-teen before and you need them to realize this, as you may occasionally make a mistake.

Talk with your child, not at your child.

Your middle school child needs to develop a real trust with you as they go through their dramatic developmental changes. You know your child best. Spend time supplying encouragement and nurturing your child needs. When you are “tuned in” to your child and their school life, you are involving yourself with your child’s ever-changing life and ensuring parental success. You’ll have a better insight into your child’s world when you become involved with his school’s staff, his evolving educational requirements, and his close friends.

It’s time for parents to hike up their bootstraps and plant both feet on the floor in becoming a stronger model for their child. Not spending time listening to your child is always a big mistake. Don’t forget that your child will one day be a mentor to his or her own child. Become an involved parent that your child can be proud of.

Linda Milo is “The Parent-Child Connection Coach.” For more information, visit: http://www.empoweringparentsnow.com. To book a free parent coaching session, write linda@empoweringparentsnow.com.