By Jack Neworth

In school, I was never fond of the library. I was the class clown (some things never change?), and in the library, you had to be as quiet as a church mouse. Librarians were a bit uptight, with their hair always in a bun. The only words a librarian ever said to me was, “Shhhhh!”

Laura Bush was a librarian, even though she never wears her hair in a bun. She and George couldn’t have met at the library because he doesn’t read. But last week, he did give his “war escalation” speech from the Presidential library. Maybe that’s why he looked like a deer in headlights. And last summer, he revealed he was in a book-reading competition with Karl Rove, aka, “Turd Blossom.” (Hopefully soon, TB will be in jail or fired so he can catch up on his reading.) W claims he’s read “three Shakespeares.” Not the names, just “three Shakespeares.” Oh yes, it’s been a very long six years.

To be honest, in being poor readers, George and I are alike. (Our differences: I didn’t start an unnecessary war, bankrupt the country and destroy America’s prestige around the world.) Thankfully, my reading habits have improved due to the Ocean Park library. It’s a treasure. It was built in 1916 with a $12,500 grant from Carnegie (Andrew, not Dale.) It’s a classic revival-style building with park benches and flower beds in front. Back then, Ocean Park was, “An area of vacation activities with pier, bathhouses, golf course and a race track.” Today, Ocean Park might be described as, “An area filled with an excessive number of places to get overpriced coffee.”

Recently, the library ended it’s one-week amnesty for overdue fines. I can mention the following because the statute of limitations must have lapsed by now. Years ago, I checked out “Rosemary’s Baby.” (I belonged to Netflix, but my movies “were in the mail,” as they say.) After I watched “Rosemary’s Baby,” my roommate mistakenly mailed the DVD to Netflix to get another movie quicker. After a minor tantrum, I e-mailed Netflix. I got a return e-mail saying there was nothing they could do. So I came up with a bright idea.

I ordered “Rosemary’s Baby” from Netflix as my next selection. When it arrived in two days, I put it in the library’s DVD holder. I was nervous when the librarian inspected the DVD. Like a bank teller, I imagined she’d push the alarm button, I’d be hauled away and end up on “America’s Most Wanted.” (Obviously, I’ve watched too many bad movies, many from Netflix, as it happens.)

The rest of my plan was to wait a few days and then e-mail Netflix saying I had returned “Rosemary’s Baby,” and gee, it must have gotten lost in the mail. I didn’t feel too guilty because, to quote the late Chick Hearn, “no harm, no foul.” After all, Netflix and the library had a copy of “Rosemary’s Baby,” just each other’s. On the other hand, I hope a Netflix employee doesn’t read this. And if you get “Rosemary’s Baby” from the library and somehow it has a promo for Netflix, well, you’ll understand.

Netflix has a huge catalogue and delivers fast. (Just don’t send them library DVDs by mistake.) I stopped Netflix because movies would sit on top of the DVD player for weeks. Then I discovered that Santa Monica’s library allows you to order books and DVDs via the computer. You just need a library card and a pin number. It’s so simple. Go to (http://www.Smpl.Org) and search the catalogue. When you find what you want, you “place a hold” at the branch nearest you. The library sends you an e-mail when the item is in.

When Prop 13 budget cuts in 1978 almost eliminated the Ocean Park library, residents protested and, thankfully, it was saved. In 1987, it was remodeled and it’s absolutely wonderful. It has the latest fiction and non-fiction books, DVDs, videos, CD’s, computer terminals, a children’s section and a meeting room. Under the guidance of Branch Librarian Celia Carroll, the staff are extremely friendly, don’t wear their hair in a bun, and never once have said “Shhhh” to me ... that is, until they read this.

I am a bit concerned with how many “holds” I’ve placed. It appears I went a little overboard, so much so they gave me an entire shelf. (I’ve always wanted a little recognition in this life, but I didn’t think it would be a shelf in a public library.) I suppose it could be worse. For safety purposes, the library has a security guard these days. When I went to pick up my books, at least he wasn’t waiting for me holding Neflix’s “Rosemary’s Baby.”

Jack Neworth can be reached at Jackneworth2003@aol.com.