By Melody Hanatani
Daily Press Staff Writer

CITYWIDE Louise Green had been through this before.

It was the same routine that the Santa Monican had experienced with her two eldest children, emptying the bedroom, packing the boxes and shipping them off hundreds of miles away.

Still, those heartfelt good-byes hadn’t prepared her for when her youngest child, Santa Monica High School graduate Jazzy, headed off to college in Oregon over the summer.

Gone were the 6 a.m. rides to wrestling practices, the family dinners and the noise of teenagers that filled the household.

“I knew it was time, it was time for her to go,” Green said. “I was excited for the opportunity, but she was the last kid out of the three to go off ... it was sadder.”

It’s a feeling of loss and sadness that many parents experience when their children finally leave home, whether it be to go away for college, off to the military or get married. Empty Nest Syndrome is an emotional reaction to changes, often caused by a parent’s realization that their child no longer needs to rely on mom and dad.

A child leaving home can have varying effects on the parents, depending on how closely their lives were tied to child-rearing. The men and women that experience a milder level of the empty nest effect typically are ones that dedicated other aspects of their lives to activities other than parenting, taking up hobbies or perhaps working part-time, according to Richard Gilbert, a professor of developmental psychology at Loyola Marymount University.

The syndrome affects women more than men, but there has been an increase in fathers talking about the feelings of loss they’re experiencing, Gilbert said.

But rather than dwell, parents should embrace.

“See it as a culmination of a job well done instead of some sort of loss,” Gilbert said. “It’s a loss, but a loss that means you’ve done what you needed to do.”

The first few weeks after Jazzy left in August were challenging for Green, especially since her daughter didn’t appear to be adjusting well to college, calling three or four times a day about the difficulties she is facing with cash flow and balancing her schedule.

After a while, as Jazzy started making more friends, the calls started to subside, as did Green’s feelings of sadness.

“I’m planning a wedding for my other daughter so it’s taken my mind off of it,” she said.

Connie Delgadillo is in the same situation that Green was in more than 10 years ago when her first child went off to college. The mother of three children just saw her oldest son head off to the University of California at Merced, the first in his family to seek higher education.

As soon as her son, Sean Crosse, left for college, Delgadillo started worrying, wondering if her son was maintaining a healthy diet, waking up on time, working on his homework — all the things she had control over when he was still living at home.

“It’s scary for me as a mom to give him total independence and responsibility,” Delgadillo said.

Unlike many teenagers, Crosse, who graduated from Samohi in June, isn’t big on cell phones, so the mother and son correspond through e-mail and MySpace messages. Green also makes good use of the Internet in keeping in touch with Jazzy, who signed her mother up for a Facebook account.

“It’s an adjustment,” Green said.

Barbara McDonough remembers how painful the weeks leading up to her son, Matthew’s, departure were. The 2005 Samohi graduate left recently for a two-year mission for his church. McDonough’s other child, Courtney, graduated from Samohi in June and left for Brigham Young University in August.

“It was a lot of hustle and bustle of getting his clothes ready and once we took a breather and got everything done ... there was a sense of sadness and a sense of happiness,” McDonough said.

But McDonough has found ways to fill the void left by both her daughter and son leaving the nest, reconnecting with her husband, going to the movies and getting to know one another better.

There’s also the comforting thought of knowing that the kids will be back soon.

“You end up counting the weeks until Thanksgiving break and count the weeks until Christmas break,” she said.

DIAGNOSIS

The empty nest effect can actually be felt as early as when children start heading off the nursery school and kids learn to become a little independent, said Lisa Frankel, a marriage and family therapist whose daughter is a senior at Samohi.

Parents can lessen the impact of experiencing the full on effects of the empty nest syndrome when their children go off to college by preparing early and changing their style of parenting. Recognize that children have a life of their own.

“You cannot parent a 12th grader like you parent a 13-year-old,” Frankel said.

Mom and dad can also try to become more independent by adopting new hobbies and refocusing their energy on the marriage. In some cases, once the child leaves the picture, the marriages can go by the wayside, Frankel said.

“A lot of women don’t know what else will give their life meaning,” Frankel said. “It’s a really confusing (time of life) for a lot of women.”

For many parents, the time when their children begin leaving the nest coincides with their parents starting to succumb to old age.

Frankel has been working with women in transition since the 1970s and is in the process of starting a new support group for women dealing with feelings of loss and changes because of an empty nest.

The Santa Monican went through a time of transition herself this summer when her daughter left for a trip to Ghana and her mother died.

“A lot of us are dealing with aging and dying parents,” Frankel said.

About four parents have already expressed interest in the group, which is set to begin once it reaches about six people. Rather than dish out advice, Frankel said she will help members tackle issues they are dealing with, issues with relationship, aging and mortality.

“You’ve got to feel what you’re going to feel,” Frankel said. “It takes as long as it takes, you just have to deal with it.”

For more information on the empty nest support group, contact Lisa Frankel at drfrankel@yahoo.com

melodyh@smdp.com