Dorie Meek is director of the Infant & Family Support Program, provided by Saint John's Health Center in partnership with the Santa Monica-Malibu Unified School District. Meek answers questions concerning children ages birth to 5 years old.
I have a 3-year-old daughter. Yesterday, she was with two of her friends — they all play together beautifully one on one, but with all three of them the dynamic got a little ‘exclusive’ with my daughter. The other girls didn’t seem to be deliberately excluding her, she just wasn’t in their groove and got very sad and said to me, “They don’t want to play with me.”
I explained that they did want to play with her, but she just had to go along with their game if she wanted to play. We left the area for a few minutes, she sulked a little, and then we went back. I let her approach them on her own and after a few minutes all was well. I like to stay out of her play unless there is a major issue, but I’m not sure how to handle this.
— Playdate Problem
Dear Playdate,
Congratulations on gracefully finding out that the magic number for toddler playdates must be even. Two, four or six children. It’s always easier when they can pair themselves up. You handled this awkward social situation beautifully.
While older toddlers have successfully learned to play with other children — one of the major benefits of preschool — they lean toward pairs as they grow socially and emotionally. It’s just flat-out easier to move on to a different activity with a buddy when your other friends have lined up an activity that doesn’t interest you.
Toddlerhood is still egocentric and playing a game that you don’t want to play just isn’t a realistic option. Is it ever? A younger sibling may tolerate it to be included with the big kids but even in that scenario they will rebel eventually, or gravitate to their own area of interest. Avoid forcing her to play what she doesn’t want to, and keep that group count easily divisible by two. Good luck.
— Dorie
(Dorie Meek is director of the Infant & Family Support Program, provided by Saint John’s Health Center in partnership with the Santa Monica-Malibu Unified School District. Meek answers questions concerning children ages birth to 5 years old. Submit your questions to “Dear Dorie” at meek@smmusd.org, or call (310) 452-6132; fax (310) 452-6392).
