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Lloyd Garver
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| Lloyd Garver has written for many television shows, ranging from “Sesame Street” to “Family Ties” to “Frasier.” He also has read many books, some of them in hardcover. He writes the “Modern Times” column for CBSnews.com’s opinion page and a weekly column for SportsLine.com. He can be reached at smdp@lloydgarvermoderntimes.com.
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Articles by this Author
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MODERN TIMES
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The results regarding the individual members of the Supreme Court are in. Antonin Scalia got a 77, and Clarence Thomas got a woeful 0. This was not a ranking about how competent the Washington Nine was. It was a ranking of how funny they are in court.
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The current Washington scandal featuring lobbyist Jack Abramoff is sad and disgraceful. Fortunately, there is some comic relief attached to the shamefulness. It’s fun to watch Jack’s one-time pals distance themselves from the guy. The rats started jumping off this ship before it even started to sink. American history hasn’t had a similar instance of running far away from another individual since Typhoid Mary.
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The latest literary controversy involves the best seller, “A Million Little Pieces,” a memoir by James Frey. It’s supposed to be an inspirational tale about Frey’s battles with drugs, alcohol, the law, and his turning his life around. The only problem is that Frey made up many of the details in his “memoir.”
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(Editor’s note: Due to an editing error, the footnotes — crucial to the context and satire of this column — were omitted in the publication of Modern Times, which appeared in the SMDP’s Jan. 21-22 edition.)
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MY COUCH — Intrepid writers will go to extraordinary lengths to get their stories. Some go behind enemy lines, some live on the street with the homeless, some disguise themselves to see what it’s like to be a different race or gender. The sacrifice I made to get my story was to actually sit through the recent Miss America Pageant.
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There is a movie out now called “Borat,” whose lead character is anti-Semitic, racist and misogynistic. Oh, one more thing: I liked it.
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Knitting was once an activity that grandmothers did when they got together and complained about how infrequently their grandkids called them. In recent years, there’s been an explosion in knitting popularity. Now, it’s not uncommon for granddaughters to feel they’re too busy knitting to call their grandmothers. Younger women have taken up the craft, and so have high school and college students. But one group that’s knitting and purling away the evening hours is somewhat of a surprise — adult men.
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Last year, astronomers discovered a “tenth planet.” This new planet is similar to, but slightly larger than Pluto. All of this is exciting news, but not without controversy. Now, some scientists say that it’s not a “real planet,” and neither is Pluto. They want to take away the planet designation from Pluto and just say that it’s a bunch of ice, and part of something called “The Kuiper Belt.”
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We just celebrated the most romantic holiday of the year. I’m not talking about Super Bowl Sunday. I’m talking about Valentine’s Day. This is the one holiday dedicated to love and affection. It’s also dedicated to spending — the National Retail Federation estimates that $13.7 billion were spent this year on Valentine’s Day. It is the biggest single 24-hour period for florists, and it’s a big day for candy and greeting card companies. It’s also unofficially the biggest day of the year for infidelity — and for catching cheaters.
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When I first heard that President Bush was talking about health at the corporate headquarters of Wendy’s last week, I was proud of him. I figured he had joined medical experts, his wife who has spoken about heart disease in women, and former junk food junkie, Bill Clinton, who is heading a campaign against childhood obesity and for healthier fast foods.
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Stuck in the middle of all the commercials during the Winter Olympics was a promo they repeated many times for a new show called “Conviction.” The ad showed young lawyers who, presumably, have conviction.
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A couple of years ago, my wife and I went to France. (In case anyone from the IRS is reading this, obviously, it was not a pleasure trip. I, uh, went there primarily to write some columns about France). Before going, we decided to take French lessons. I had taken French in college, and even though that was a long time ago (I was surprised to learn that France no longer had a king), it came back to me pretty quickly. The idea that I could speak some French made me feel more comfortable before the trip. I didn’t want to be an “ugly American” who thinks everyone in the world should speak English. It worked out great. I was able to speak with some of the French people I met, and I wrote a couple of columns based on my conversations with them.
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Years ago, people found dates and prospective mates at school, at work, through friends, or just by running into them by accident. That was back in the years B.C., Before Computers. Now, computer dating sites are extremely popular. But even if they work, are they preferable to meeting people the old fashioned way?
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I recently took a CPR class at the Santa Monica Red Cross offices on 11th Street. I’d been wanting to do this for a long time, but since it was a four-hour class, it was always easy for me to find an excuse not to go. But this time, because of my love of humanity and the absence of any games on TV that I wanted to watch, I went to the class.
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It’s that time again for me to shut up and to allow the readers to talk. Below are some of the responses I’ve gotten to recent columns.
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We learned last week through Dick Cheney’s former aide, “Scooter” Libby, that it was President Bush who authorized the leaking of a classified document that detailed certain conclusions about Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. Since then, politicians, lawyers, and Constitutional experts have been debating whether the president has the legal right to de-classify classified material whenever he wants.
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One of the weirdest news stories in recent months has been a suggested link between Ambien sleep medication and activities such as sleepwalking, sleep driving and sleep eating. Just as TV commercials for medicines spend as much time issuing their disclaimers as they do advertising their products, I must make my disclaimers now: Researchers are not certain that there is a definite link between Ambien and these activities. And a very small minority of people taking Ambien end up doing these things. So, most of the stories that we read about are not scientific studies, but are anecdotal. But some of these anecdotes are doozies.
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Like it or not, in the next few years, you’re probably going to be following the lead of the porn industry. I’m not talking about wearing high heels to bed or making noises like a wounded rhino. I’m talking about video technology. If you are into electronic home gadgets, you may already have a high definition television in your home. Now you’re probably trying to decide which of the two formats for recording and playing HD DVDs you should buy.
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When the price of gas went to $3 a gallon here, I didn’t rush to my local gas station to fill up my car. This was despite the fact that I only had a quarter of a tank left. I wasn’t in any hurry to spend that much per gallon. So I continued to drive around, not wanting to give my money to the oil companies. I guess it was my little protest. Needless to say, by the time I absolutely, positively needed gas, the price was up to $3.15. It was not the most successful protest in history.
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The movie isn’t even out yet, and I’ve already overdosed on “The Da Vinci Code.” Publicity about the book or the movie is inescapable, as are the many commercial offshoots from Team Da Vinci. There is a Da Vinci Code jigsaw puzzle, a Da Vinci Code travel journal, and a Da Vinci Code board game. There is also “Fodor’s Guide to the Da Vinci Code,” which follows the paths of the novel’s characters. I assume there are other commercial enterprises I’m just not aware of. There must be a Da Vinci Code mobile to be hung above baby’s crib as well as Da Vinci Code breakfast cereal, guaranteed to be controversial and taste good, too. And would any of us be surprised in the near future if we hear that Broadway is welcoming the Da Vinci Code musical?
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The Wall Street Journal recently reported on a possible dictatorial leader, a coup and a secession. And those things took place in our nation’s capital. I haven’t heard about this reported elsewhere. It doesn’t mean there was a cover-up, but I do think the events warrant more attention.
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One of the weirdest news stories in recent months has been a suggested link between Ambien sleep medication and activities such as sleepwalking, sleep driving and sleep eating. Just as TV commercials for medicines spend as much time issuing their disclaimers as they do advertising their products, I must make my disclaimers now: Researchers are not certain that there is a definite link between Ambien and these activities. And a very small minority of people taking Ambien end up doing these things. So, most of the stories that we read about are not scientific studies, but are anecdotal. But some of these anecdotes are doozies.
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As you read this, you are participating in history. This is The Santa Monica Daily Press’ first swimsuit edition of a column.
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In case you haven’t noticed, breast implants are bigger than ever. Surgically-enhanced breasts are on the rise, and the trend shows no sign of pointing downward. Approximately a quarter of a million American women have their breasts enlarged each year. It used to be that women were secretive about these enhancements and desperately wanted them to look natural.
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I’ve just returned from a trip to Italy and wanted to share some thoughts. This column is for those who just dream about Italy, those who soon may be going for the first time, as well as those veteran travelers who go to Italy whenever they get a taste for pasta with wild boar sauce.
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You can always tell when the president’s popularity is getting dangerously low or when an election is coming up. That’s when those in power — and those who would like to be in power — shamelessly start pandering to the American public.
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President Bush last week took Prime Minister Junichiro Koisumi of Japan on a tour of an important American landmark. It wasn’t the White House, it wasn’t the Washington Monument, and it wasn’t Mount Rushmore. It was Graceland — the home of the late Elvis Presley. It turns out that the Prime Minister is a huge fan of “The King.”
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My recent trip to Europe is still fresh in my mind. I particularly remember all of the friendly “bonjours” (“good day” or “good morning”) I would receive every day in Paris. You don’t get all those “good mornings” here in America.
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A legal action was taken the other day that is so outrageous that it actually gives frivolous lawsuits a bad name. Allen Heckard, of Portland, Ore., is suing Michael Jordan and Nike, claiming he’s tired of people thinking he looks like Jordan. Heckard says people come up to him all the time, mistaking him for the basketball legend, and he’s fed up with it.
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It’s that time again — time for me to share with you some of the comments that readers have sent me in response to my columns. Enjoy ...
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Miami Dolphins’ head football coach Nick Saban last week was invited to join President Bush for dinner. The coach turned down the president, saying he was too busy.
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For many of us, every four years we go through an arduous selection process. We agonize over our choice, and after we’ve made it, we worry that we made the wrong one. I’m not talking about something as easy as voting for President. I’m talking about buying a new computer.
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By now we all know that the latest threats to airline travel are liquid and gel explosives. A terrorist attack was apparently thwarted when those types of explosives were exposed as having the dangerous potential that many of us had been unaware of. Up until now, I thought hair gel was just a slimy, smelly product that made my nose itch when the guy next to me had it on. I thought a diet soda was just a fat guy’s rationalization to help him wash down a pizza. I thought nail polish remover was, well nail polish remover. But like the rest of the world, now I know that these and other common products are potential weapons.
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Want to sell your house? Before putting it on the market, you’ll probably want it to look as good as possible. So, you’ll do a few things like paint the gutters, fix that leaky faucet, and finally throw away all those piles of papers you’re never going to look at. But that’s the old-fashioned way.
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The newest edition of CBS’ popular television series “Survivor” has an interesting twist — segregation. In the early rounds, there will be four teams or “tribes” competing against each other: The White Tribe, the Hispanic Tribe, the African-American Tribe and the Asian-American Tribe. There is no truth to the rumor that the winner will go up against the Hooded White Sheeted tribe.
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And you thought your latest hotel bill was high?
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I thought about joining the FBI last week. This was not just an idle musing of mine. It actually came about because of a direct appeal from the FBI to me.
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President Bush has been at odds lately with some people from his own party regarding what is and what is not OK to do to terrorist suspects while questioning them. He advocates “alternative interrogation practices.” He seems to feel that Article 3 of the Geneva Conventions, which bars “outrages upon personal dignity” and “humiliating and degrading treatment,” ties the hands of American interrogators instead of tying the hands of the person being interrogated.
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Whenever world leaders call their enemies “the Devil,” or lambast them as “evil,” it’s hard for me to take those charges seriously. When both sides engage in the same kind of name-calling, it’s not easy to view one side as taking the high road. So, when President Bush has played the “evil card,” or when our enemies have played the “Devil” or the “you’ll rot in Hell” card, it’s been difficult to give those words much credence. And when we hear them over and over again, their power is even reduced further. So, we tend to ignore them when we hear those words in public discourse.
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Recently, the Lorraine Theatre in Hoopeston, Ill., closed its doors for two weeks because the owner felt the only current movie he was being offered to show on his screen was “lousy.” Owner Greg Boardman is not just interested in art films. The Lorraine often shows big-budget, popular movies. But he just couldn’t bring himself to show “Jackass II.”
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Recently, the news has been All Mark Foley, All the Time. Because of this obsession, another story seems to have gotten lost: Congress passed and President Bush signed The Secure Fence Act, a bill that calls for the construction of a 700-mile fence along our southern border.
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In recent years, there’s been a new kind of sexy calendar — one showing people who usually don’t take off their clothes in public posing naked or nearly naked. The calendars are then sold to raise money for charity. Often, the people posing are in heroic or sexy professions like athletes or firefighters. But not always. The latest calendar that’s out there is called “Men Of Mortuaries.”
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For months, radio and television ads and billboards have assaulted us about various candidates and political issues for the upcoming mid-term election. It’s not just the volume of campaign ads that gets on my nerves. It’s the negativity, and sometimes, just their stupidity.
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I have a new plan for those who want to get rid of extra pounds and inches without dieting or exercise.
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The election is over, and one result is clear: More people could have voted.
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Democrats, stop celebrating, and Republicans, don’t despair. I know the Democrats won the recent election on paper, but in the long run, the Republicans just might be the big winners of Election 2006. In fact, I think the Republicans set the whole thing up so that the Democrats could fail over the next two years, which will bring about a big Republican Presidential win in 2008.
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It’s time for me to share some of the e-mails that I have received in response to some of my recent columns. So, enjoy:
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One day last week, the headline of the Los Angeles Times read, “Bush refuses to be swayed by findings.” At first glance, I wasn’t sure what the headline referred to. Were they talking about weapons of mass destruction? Global warming? Evolution? It turned out they were referring to President Bush not embracing the report of the bipartisan Iraq Study Group.
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You probably know at least a couple of people who impress you — or more likely, annoy you — when they smugly announce in November each year that they have finished their holiday shopping. These days, there is a sub-group of these early bird shoppers: those who finish all their shopping weeks — or months — ahead of time and do it all online.
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Experts in the New Year’s Resolution field estimate that 25 percent of resolutions don’t make it past Jan 8. So rather than torturing ourselves by making resolutions that we may or may not be able to stick to, it’s a lot easier to suggest resolutions that other people should make.
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Do you feel that your privacy is invaded when you go through security at the airport? Just wait a little while. Soon, those TSA inspectors may be able to see what you look like naked.
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Recently, the Food and Drug Administration said that eating food from cloned animals caused no health risks. They don’t even anticipate a need to label cloned food as “cloned food.” I understand what they’re saying: These animals will be exact duplicates of the animals they are cloned from, so why should they be any more dangerous than the original? This makes sense, but I guess I haven’t been reacting to this logically, and emotionally, eating food from cloned animals is hard for me to swallow.
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Not since the musical “British Invasion” of the ’60s have American journalists gone so nutsy over the prospect of some Brits coming to the United States. Unless you’ve been sleeping 24 hours a day, you probably know that soccer star/fashion model/sex symbol David Beckham and his wife, former Spice Girl/skinny person/compulsive shopper Victoria are moving to Los Angeles. He’s going to make approximately $250 million over the next five years while endorsing all kinds of things and attempting to make European football, or “soccer” as we Americans call it, a major sport in the United States.
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Recently, I saw Al Gore’s movie, “An Inconvenient Truth,” about global warming. Whether you are someone who believes in global warming or someone who has the equally legitimate position that global warming is actually a rumor started by polar bears who want more land, it would be impossible for you to avoid noticing that the Al Gore in the movie seems like a much different person from the Al Gore who ran for president.
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