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Jean Illsley Clarke Ph.D.
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| Jean Illsley Clarke, Ph.D., Connie Dawson, Ph.D., and David J. Bredehoft, Ph.D., are co-authors of “How Much is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible, and Respectful Children.” Illsley Clarke can be reached at jiconsults@aol.com. To read more about overindulgence, go to www.overindulgence.info.
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Articles by this Author
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HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
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The big days are over. The Nutcracker has come and gone; the holiday decorations have vanished from stores and streets. The presents have all been opened. Maybe not every thank-you has been sent, but the holiday bustle is past and the doldrums of January are here.
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HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
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Brian Smith’s broken leg means there are some things this second grader can’t do for a while. But the Smiths expect him to do the things he can do. They don’t want him to become helpless.
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HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
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The principal’s voice was controlled steel. “Mrs. Brown, your son Rob will remain in my office until you arrive!” The school has a firmly enforced “No Bullying Policy.” Rob had been pushing the limits, and this day he had ripped up another child’s art work and verbally savaged her in his fifth grade classroom.
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HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH
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“Fasten your seat belt,” dad calls as he backs out of the driveway. Mason, 4, continues to bounce around the back seat. Half way down the block, dad’s friend Cliff says, “Umm, Al, Mason isn’t belted.”
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HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
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“You’re not going anywhere until you eat your breakfast!” “But, I’m not hungry!” Jack slumps in his chair, Doreen’s jaw tenses, and the argument wages on until everyone in the family is irritated.
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HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
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Chuck’s shoulders tightened as the shrill voice in backseat chanted, “I’m thirsty, I’m really thirsty.”
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HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
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“Can we play now?” Clarissa was perplexed. Why did her children ask to play? They had been at Saturday swim classes all morning and their mom had spent the entire afternoon playing with them. They had played a competitive math game with flashcards. Clarissa had taught them three “taking no for an answer” games: “follow me,” “follow you,” “traffic cop,” and “red light, green light.” They had gone on a nature walk to see how many different kinds of birds they could spot.
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HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
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How I hated to hear my mom’s voice, “It’s time for bed.”
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HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
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Martha looked haggard. “I’m so worried about my 15-year-old son.” Her voice was husky.
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HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
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“We had been paying the children for doing chores. I know that works well in some families, but it was getting out of hand. Our third- and fourth-graders started asking to be paid for everything. They didn’t appreciate anything, and they whined and complained a lot.”
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HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
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A reader sent this question: “What do you do when your child’s teammates are being paid $5 by their parents every time they score? And what do you do when another mom tells your child she will pay him if he scores? We don’t believe in paying for a score. It’s just a game for pete sakes. Is there an article or anything that could be passed around the team to the parents? Or is this just a lesson we talk about with our kids — ‘Our family doesn’t do that’ and let the other parents do it their own way?”
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HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
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Eleanor looked anxious. “Nathan graduates from college this spring, and now he wants to live at home to save money while he goes to graduate school. He is enamored with medieval art and he says he won’t be able to get a job in his field unless he has advanced degrees. I’m so worried.”
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HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
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How do you encourage children to achieve in school? Some parents attempt to motivate children to get good grades by offering rewards. Some bribe, some scold, some punish, some structure time for study, some pay for grades. Some do all of the above.
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HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
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“Don’t let her in Katrina’s room. She’ll see that Katrina has 30 stuffed animals and she will know that Katrina is overindulged. We like having her come for dinner but …”
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HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
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Adrianna, 3 1/2, was cranky. Auntie Gina thought a bubble bath might help. She sprinkled a little of the blue bubble bath salts on the bottom of the tub, secured the top on the container, set the bottle up on the shelf and turned the faucet on full force.
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HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
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Kids’ wants and wishes seem to be never ending. Lucia wants shoes and a better bike and a TV in her room and a new cell phone. Dario insists that a motorcycle will meet all of his needs, especially if he has white leathers and a really cool helmet and money for the bike club dues. Tony is accustomed to holding the line on most of the requests.
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HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
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It’s catching. Boredom is catching. Jeremy complained so regularly about being bored that his parents became bored hearing about it. Ellie’s fifth grade class insisted that their lessons were boring so frequently that their teacher got bored with kids who want to be entertained full time. Jerry repeated why his job was boring so often that his wife got bored hearing about it. She described how boring her daily commute was so regularly that Jerry got bored hearing about that. Yes, boredom can be catching. And it can become a debilitating habit. Boredom is a super tool to use when you want to avoid responsibility or manipulate others.
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HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
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“I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream!” Who among us hasn’t raised our voice in the ice cream chant, sometimes to let the world know that we are the children and that we do have wishes, and sometimes just for the fun of yelling?
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HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
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At 19, Nathan needs an Audi convertible. After all, he has been driving an old Toyota since he was 16. Well, 15. He had driven for a year without a license. Since it seemed to be a convenience to have him do errands, and since he seemed to drive carefully, and since it didn’t seem to do any harm, his mom thought it seemed OK. And it seemed to make him happy.
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Rules learned at home
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School rules, sports rules, traffic rules, fashion rules ... Our children’s lives are filled with rules. Groups work best when everyone knows the rules. But learning about rules and how to follow them begins at home.
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HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
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Did you know that your children are born with only 17 percent of their brain building blocks connected? Did you know that part of this basic wiring is the potential for competence? Did you know that the remaining 83 percent of the brain wires in response to the environment? Have you noticed that sometimes loving parents can, without meaning to, override that basic need to be competent and raise children who believe they are helpless? How does that happen?
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