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Articles by this Author
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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In the early days of homelessness in Santa Monica I recall seeing lonely people having loud, incoherent conversations with themselves. These days as I walk along the boardwalk I often experience the same thing, only to realize it’s just a guy with a cell phone headset talking about a stock trade. With that in mind, I admit to preconceived notions when I first laid eyes on Joe Geletko, 71.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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In “Macbeth,” Shakespeare wrote, “Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace, from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time. And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!”
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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If you ever get the urge to write anything other than a grocery list, go for a walk, eat a cookie or watch “American Idol,” hopefully the urge will pass. As for “Idol,” it never ceases to amaze me more people voted for Taylor Hicks than voted for President Bush. I noticed last week, despite the grave situation in Lebanon, that Bush was able to make time for a photo-op with Hicks and other “Idol” winners. It’s too bad Condi didn’t play piano as well.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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As I write this column each week, I often wonder is this worthy of a column, or just a random idea I’ve managed to stretch into 700 words? Sometimes I can’t tell the difference.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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Many of us choose to live in Santa Monica to be by the ocean. Not that long ago it was assumed that the oceans were too vast for man to damage in a permanent way. Lord Byron, the 19th century poet, wrote, “Man marks the earth with ruin, his control stops with the shore.” Not quite the case, your Lordship.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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Back in the ‘70s, Ocean Park was at the center of the nationwide skateboard craze. The area was known as Dogtown, as seen years later in a documentary narrated by Santa Monica High School alumnus Sean Penn, and in a 2005 feature film, “Lords of Dogtown.” These days the entire city could be called dogtown as Santa Monica is experiencing a doggie boom. We have more than 5,000 registered dogs and who knows how many illegals have crossed the border. Whoops, sorry, for a second I thought I was writing for Lou Dobbs.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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Summer is not my favorite season. Tourists flock here, it’s crowded and hot. And yet, as soon as summer’s gone, I miss it. The beach, the warm nights, the sunsets. Go figure. For me this summer was particularly rough and it wasn’t much better for Mel Gibson either.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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The U.S. Open tennis tournament officially ends this Sunday. But for me it ended when Andre Agassi played his last match. Afterwards, choked with emotion, he bid a magnificent farewell to the 24,000 fans.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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It’s been 11 days since all the retrospectives of 9/11. On its Web site, CNN showed 9/11 footage from the moment the first plane struck the WTC as though it were live. I wonder how many stoners thought, “Dude, I didn’t even know the towers were rebuilt, and now they’re down again?” ABC ran “Path to 9/11,” a $40 million mini-series which seems to blame Clinton, among others, and it ran commercial free. How patriotic, or, is it possible they got the money from another source? Nah.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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One night on TV, I saw comedian and actor Larry Miller ("Pretty Woman,” “Mighty Wind,” “Best in Show") jokingly compare his work ethic with that of his father’s. He noted that while he was growing up, his father had three jobs: one 9-to-5, one in the evenings and one on the weekends. Miller said that if he does the laundry and makes lunch in the same day, he’s ready for a nap.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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As I write this, I’m watching the Dodgers in Game 1 of the National League wild card playoff series. Just a minute ago, they had two runners thrown out at home on the same play! To add insult to injury, the Mets’ rightfielder is Shawn Green and the catcher is Paul Lo Duca — both former Dodgers.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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With just 10 days remaining until the mid-term elections, both political parties are pulling out all the stops. The Democrats attack Bush on the war, the debt, the environment, Katrina, the Foley scandal and corruption. The Republicans fire back, “And your point is? And, oh yeah, you better hope Osama doesn’t get a nuclear bomb.”
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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When I was a kid growing up in Los Angeles during the ‘50s, large companies, such as Fuller Brush, employed door-to-door salesmen. A total stranger would come into our house to sell his wares, which I know sounds like the plot of a cheap horror movie.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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I don’t know about you, but I’m burned out on nasty campaign ads. They’re everywhere: in the mail, on radio and TV. Next, they’ll be on my cereal box. This election may be the most mean-spirited, except for the last one, and the one before that.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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One of the many upsides of walking a dog is that you get to know people you might not otherwise meet. The only downside? Cleanup.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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The election is over, and none too soon. The worst part were the computerized phone calls. In one day, I received 12 voicemails. I wish I had that many friends. I even got one from Robert Redford. For years, I’ve been trying to get him to read my script, and when he finally calls, it’s about Proposition 87! Oh, well.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
Until a few days ago, the heatwave in Santa Monica had some people considering barbecuing the turkey, which might have been cumbersome on my hibachi. It was so hot, last-minute shopping could have included cranberry sauce, stuffing and sunscreen. At Thanksgiving, It’s supposed to be cold with a fire crackling in the fireplace, or in my case, an old space heater that barely glows. But suddenly, it was summer again!
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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It’s official. We’ve been in Iraq longer than all of WWII (Remember Rummy’s “Six days, six weeks, certainly not more than six months?”). NBC now labels the conflict a “civil war,” while the administration insists it’s “another phase.” They’re having a war over what to call the war! Colin Powell warned Bush that invading Iraq would open the gates of hell. I just hope those gates don’t hit us in the ass on the way out.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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My friend Jim called to say his son Eric got a job at the World Cafe on Main Street. Eric is 16 years old and a busboy at Hamburger Hamlet. I assumed the World gig was a promotion, but Jim corrected me. Wednesdays at the World is stand-up comedy night and Eric was one of the comedians!
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MODERN TIMES
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The federal government recently came out with a new citizenship test, because the feeling was that to pass the old test, prospective citizens could just memorize facts rather than understand principles. For example, on the old test, they might’ve been asked the question, “How many stripes are there in the flag?” On the new test, they may be asked the question, “Why does the flag have 13 stripes?”
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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In the movie “Godfather III,” Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) tries to go legit, but circumstances (and the need to sell more popcorn) won’t let him. He complains bitterly, “The more I try to get out, the more they pull me back in!” That’s how I feel about President Bush. The “Decider” was supposed to tell the nation about his new direction for Iraq, but now he says it’ll be in January and he won’t be rushed. It’s only been 1,322 days since “Mission Accomplished,” so what’s the hurry? But since the Baker-Hamilton report, 35 more Americans have died in Iraq.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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Few people knew Douglas E. Screwge, Santa Monica’s biggest landlord, was the great-great-great-grandson of Ebeneezer Scrooge. Screwge owned a prosperous real estate office on Montana Avenue, but even though the fates of finance had smiled so radiantly upon him, his icy personality never thawed (Unless one of his rent-controlled apartments became vacant and went to fair market price.) So it was not surprising when he was invited by his nephew for Christmas dinner, Screwge barked, “Bah humbug, who needs the cholesterol?”
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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The holiday season is far too long. I’d say it’s a marathon, but a marathon is only three hours and this takes six weeks. It all starts with Thanksgiving where this year I did something unthinkable. I ate an entire pie. (Apparently unthinkable doesn’t mean uneatable.) It was pumpkin and the scary part is I don’t even like pumpkin pie. In one sitting, you ask? The next morning when I got up, I thought about finishing the pie. After all breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Only there was nothing left to finish. As the antacid commercial goes, “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.”
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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For fans of the environment, there’s good news and there’s bad news.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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With the hopeful spirit of the New Year still fresh, and the hangovers a memory, it might be a good time to look back on some of my columns during 2006.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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In school, I was never fond of the library. I was the class clown (some things never change?), and in the library, you had to be as quiet as a church mouse. Librarians were a bit uptight, with their hair always in a bun. The only words a librarian ever said to me was, “Shhhhh!”
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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On Tuesday, President George W. Bush gave his State of the Union.
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