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WORD IN EDGEWISE
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The White House is in shambles.
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ICONOCLAST BLAST
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I had an unpleasant realization the other day. I was reading a newspaper story about what has become a classic Hollywood story: A movie studio executive was under fire because profits were down. Corporate headquarters was piping mad because his division was dragging down the overall performance of the media conglomerate. This fellow needed to make changes and improvements, pronto, or his bosses were going to can him Donnie Trump style.
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NEWS ON THE EDGE
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Stay down, Wile E. Just this once, stay down.
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WHAT’S THE POINT?
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I spent the weekend in Las Vegas.
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MY WRITE
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As expected last Tuesday night, City Council voted to permanently exempt 100 percent affordable housing of 50 units or less from all development review by the Planning Commission and/or Conditional Use Permits. This means that the largest and potentially most egregious residential buildings permitted can be built in the city’s multifamily neighborhoods and a couple of commercial districts, including Main Street, without any enforceable public review whatsoever.
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MODERN TIMES
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Recently, I saw Al Gore’s movie, “An Inconvenient Truth,” about global warming. Whether you are someone who believes in global warming or someone who has the equally legitimate position that global warming is actually a rumor started by polar bears who want more land, it would be impossible for you to avoid noticing that the Al Gore in the movie seems like a much different person from the Al Gore who ran for president.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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On Tuesday, President George W. Bush gave his State of the Union.
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THE SOAP BOX
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Just as winter gives way to spring, the mid-term election season gives way to pilgrimages to New Hampshire by presidential hopefuls. The seasonal change also brings renewed questions about the Granite State’s coveted role as the nation’s first presidential primary and jockeying among states for an early primary spot in order to avoid being a mere “afterthought” in the process as Gov. Schwarzenegger recently noted.
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WHAT’S THE POINT?
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The horse race — well, the Democratic Donkey race is more like it — is off and running. With this weekend’s fateful announcement by Senator Hillary Clinton that she is entering the race for the Democratic Primary and, eventually, the White House; the topic du jour of all TV news pundits, columnists and talking heads is presidential politics — for the next 21 months.
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COMMON SCENTS
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Living in California, we are faced every day with the staggering and seemingly unending growth surge stemming from illegal immigration. There are currently between 12 and 20 million illegal immigrants in this country. California has at least 3.2 million. This has become a very sensitive issue to discuss. One can be termed racist or worse if one opposes the apparent open or rather “no door” policy of our state and country. I have seen in the few years that I have been living in California the apparently insurmountable challenges that result from the rapidly accelerating pace of illegal immigration.
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MY WRITE
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Traffic increases in Santa Monica and the Westside by about 2 percent a year, according to statistics. Every generation, the number of vehicles on our streets doubles.
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MODERN TIMES
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Not since the musical “British Invasion” of the ’60s have American journalists gone so nutsy over the prospect of some Brits coming to the United States. Unless you’ve been sleeping 24 hours a day, you probably know that soccer star/fashion model/sex symbol David Beckham and his wife, former Spice Girl/skinny person/compulsive shopper Victoria are moving to Los Angeles. He’s going to make approximately $250 million over the next five years while endorsing all kinds of things and attempting to make European football, or “soccer” as we Americans call it, a major sport in the United States.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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In school, I was never fond of the library. I was the class clown (some things never change?), and in the library, you had to be as quiet as a church mouse. Librarians were a bit uptight, with their hair always in a bun. The only words a librarian ever said to me was, “Shhhhh!”
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ICONOCLAST BLAST
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We’re in the midst of a revolution. Didn’t you know? The clunky cell phone in your pocket that felt pretty darn futuristic just a few years ago is about to morph into something totally amazing, something that will markedly improve the quality of your day-to-day existence.
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WHAT’S THE POINT?
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For 30 years, the phrase “You’ve come a long way, baby” has meant Virginia Slims cigarettes and was social shorthand for the advances that women had made in becoming equal to men in our society. That growth in equality has continued to the point where women can now be just as boorish, self-centered, hedonistic, egocentric and condescending as men.
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MY WRITE
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Last Tuesday, City Council took the first steps in eliminating citizen review on some of our largest and most egregious residential developments.
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MODERN TIMES
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Recently, the Food and Drug Administration said that eating food from cloned animals caused no health risks. They don’t even anticipate a need to label cloned food as “cloned food.” I understand what they’re saying: These animals will be exact duplicates of the animals they are cloned from, so why should they be any more dangerous than the original? This makes sense, but I guess I haven’t been reacting to this logically, and emotionally, eating food from cloned animals is hard for me to swallow.
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THE SOAP BOX
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A recent open letter to the American people lamented that “under the pretext of ‘the war on terror,’ civil liberties in the United States are being increasingly curtailed. Even the privacy of individuals is fast losing its meaning. Judicial due process and fundamental rights are trampled upon. Private phones are tapped [and] suspects are arbitrarily arrested”. The fact that this was written by Iran’s President Ahmadinejad is galling given Iran’s poor human rights record, but what is especially appalling is the fact that it is not far from the truth.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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With the hopeful spirit of the New Year still fresh, and the hangovers a memory, it might be a good time to look back on some of my columns during 2006.
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WHAT’S THE POINT?
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I love gardening. I like getting my hands covered in dirt and muck, and making something beautiful grow out of ugliness. I love to plant bulbs, partly because I love to see them bloom, but also because by the time they bloom, I have long forgotten the aches and pains of digging trenches; the sore back from the long hours spent arranging what look like giant cloves of garlic, that will eventually become dark green leaves and solid reds and yellow and purples of the flowers. Then, I’ll be able to simply enjoy them.
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BUZZ’IN SANTA MONICA
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Well, at least one former Santa Monica mayor took that Person of the Year award on the cover of Time magazine to heart. Mike Feinstein, he of the Rollerblades and styling pomade, has posted a video on YouTube showing off his city to the world. It’s a riveting 40-plus minutes of mayoral elections staged by City Council members in bad lighting, the latter 37 minutes of which saw your friendly neighborhood Buzz picking toe jam,
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MY WRITE
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Tomorrow night, the City Council will act on a proposal to exempt “affordable housing projects consisting of not more than 50 residential units from any requirement to obtain Development Review permits and/or Conditional Use Permits.”
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MODERN TIMES
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Do you feel that your privacy is invaded when you go through security at the airport? Just wait a little while. Soon, those TSA inspectors may be able to see what you look like naked.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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For fans of the environment, there’s good news and there’s bad news.
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ICONOCLAST BLAST
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The end of the calendar year brings out the pundits and prognosticators. In the final weeks of December, you can’t go near the Internet, the newspaper or television without running into some smarty pants dissecting and detailing the major events of the previous year.
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THE SOAP BOX
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One of the powers of the presidency is to define the agenda both in Washington and, to a large extent, in the media with the result being that issues ignored by the White House often are ignored by the media as well. This year was no different, as the Iraq War dominated the news while important issues ignored by the Bush administration failed to get the attention they deserved.
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MY WRITE
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It’s time to award the “Sammys” — my annual dubious achievement awards for things accomplished “Santa Monica style” in 2006.
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MODERN TIMES
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Experts in the New Year’s Resolution field estimate that 25 percent of resolutions don’t make it past Jan 8. So rather than torturing ourselves by making resolutions that we may or may not be able to stick to, it’s a lot easier to suggest resolutions that other people should make.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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The holiday season is far too long. I’d say it’s a marathon, but a marathon is only three hours and this takes six weeks. It all starts with Thanksgiving where this year I did something unthinkable. I ate an entire pie. (Apparently unthinkable doesn’t mean uneatable.) It was pumpkin and the scary part is I don’t even like pumpkin pie. In one sitting, you ask? The next morning when I got up, I thought about finishing the pie. After all breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Only there was nothing left to finish. As the antacid commercial goes, “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.”
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MY WRITE
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I’ve been reading the “military obituaries” since Santa Monica Police officer and U.S. Marine Corps Reservist, Major Ricardo A. “Rick” Crocker was killed in Al-Anbar province in Iraq on May 26, 2005.
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MODERN TIMES
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You probably know at least a couple of people who impress you — or more likely, annoy you — when they smugly announce in November each year that they have finished their holiday shopping. These days, there is a sub-group of these early bird shoppers: those who finish all their shopping weeks — or months — ahead of time and do it all online.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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Few people knew Douglas E. Screwge, Santa Monica’s biggest landlord, was the great-great-great-grandson of Ebeneezer Scrooge. Screwge owned a prosperous real estate office on Montana Avenue, but even though the fates of finance had smiled so radiantly upon him, his icy personality never thawed (Unless one of his rent-controlled apartments became vacant and went to fair market price.) So it was not surprising when he was invited by his nephew for Christmas dinner, Screwge barked, “Bah humbug, who needs the cholesterol?”
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WHAT’S THE POINT?
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Tonight is the fifth night of Hanukkah, we have six days to go until Christmas and seven for Kwanzaa. Boxing Day is the day after Christmas and is the traditional feeding frenzy of bargain shoppers. I personally like to go Stats to stock up on all the decorations that I avoided purchasing prior to Christmas. The stores will be humming with the screams of frazzled clerks, the cacophonous ringing of cash registers and the shrill cries of children who want all the toys they didn’t already get.
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BUZZ’IN SANTA MONICA
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... Just looking for a quiet lil’ dinner at Violet on Pico Boulevard, the Buzzman settled in for some lil’ plates at a favorite neighborhood haunt. The images of revelers from the Daily Press holiday party may be haunting in their own right. With camera flashes and drunken newspaper types both going off in turns, not all the mooning was in the sky above Friday night. Of course, Buzz would write more about it if he didn’t start swigging’ some cheap sugar-laden Canadian whiskey out of its plastic bottle right alongside them. Turns out, “Secret Santa” got a little sloshy in ’06. The only headlines produced that night were on the staff’s foreheads after they passed out on floors across the city. If sugar plums made an appearance, they were probably dancing in puddles of Wild Turkey ...
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MY WRITE
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Kudos to City Manager P. Lamont Ewell for going out into the community and hearing the people’s opinion about next year’s city budget and how we think our tax money should be spent.
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MODERN TIMES
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One day last week, the headline of the Los Angeles Times read, “Bush refuses to be swayed by findings.” At first glance, I wasn’t sure what the headline referred to. Were they talking about weapons of mass destruction? Global warming? Evolution? It turned out they were referring to President Bush not embracing the report of the bipartisan Iraq Study Group.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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In the movie “Godfather III,” Michael Corleone (Al Pacino) tries to go legit, but circumstances (and the need to sell more popcorn) won’t let him. He complains bitterly, “The more I try to get out, the more they pull me back in!” That’s how I feel about President Bush. The “Decider” was supposed to tell the nation about his new direction for Iraq, but now he says it’ll be in January and he won’t be rushed. It’s only been 1,322 days since “Mission Accomplished,” so what’s the hurry? But since the Baker-Hamilton report, 35 more Americans have died in Iraq.
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THE SOAP BOX
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In the 1994 comedy “Reality Bites,” a group of recent college graduates struggle with the clash between the world of their imagination and the world as it really is; with the lead character questioning, “why things just can’t go back to normal at the end of the half hour like on the ‘Brady Bunch?’” In the 2006 remake, however, the movie is transformed into a tragedy as the setting moves from Houston twenty-something’s to the Bush White House, where President Bush continues to wait for “Brandy Brunch” resolutions.
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WHAT’S THE POINT?
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’Tis the season for new cars and new car shows.
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BUZZ’IN SANTA MONICA
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... The Buzzman was wondering the other day, while putting the cart before the horse, whether or not someone living a cliche knows it. Heading westward on Arizona Avenue this week by bicycle, because when it comes to exercise, it seems better to not put off till tomorrow what a Buzzster can do today, there was a thirtysomething gal jogging in her “Juicy” couture ... while pushing a baby stroller ... while toting along a little dog by a leash ... while talking on a cell phone ... while probably telling the receiver of the call that a “Penny saved is a penny earned” or something! If Buzz hadn’t been distracted, because typically in the morning Buzz is as horny as a three-balled tomcat, throwing a Starbucks cup at the jogger might’ve been easy as pie, or duck soup.
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MY WRITE
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Santa Monica’s new Police Chief, Timothy Jackman, starts work today.
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COMMON SCENTS
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Since my last column appeared (“Mental illness is the tragedy within,” Nov. 27, pages 4-5), I have received numerous e-mails and noted a number of Letters to the Editor touching on the same subject matter. Because of space constraints with the prior column, I wanted to continue with some additional thoughts about this critical problem that faces us on a daily basis in Santa Monica.
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MODERN TIMES
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The federal government recently came out with a new citizenship test, because the feeling was that to pass the old test, prospective citizens could just memorize facts rather than understand principles. For example, on the old test, they might’ve been asked the question, “How many stripes are there in the flag?” On the new test, they may be asked the question, “Why does the flag have 13 stripes?”
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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My friend Jim called to say his son Eric got a job at the World Cafe on Main Street. Eric is 16 years old and a busboy at Hamburger Hamlet. I assumed the World gig was a promotion, but Jim corrected me. Wednesdays at the World is stand-up comedy night and Eric was one of the comedians!
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ICONOCLAST BLAST
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It’s that time of year again. No, I’m not talking about the yearly bonanza of conspicuous consumption, otherwise known as the holiday season. And those religious observations (I think they’re called “Christmas” and “Hanukkah”) that some people still celebrate between trips to the mall and all-nighters on Amazon.com? I’m not talking about those either. The tradition I’m really excited about is the release of the annual list of Dangerous Toys That Will Probably Kill Your Child.
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WHAT’S THE POINT?
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The continued growth in this city is amazing. There are new condominium complexes going up at what seems to be an ever-increasing rate. The downtown area is being built up ever more densely, and more and more mixed-use buildings are being erected.
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BUZZ’IN SANTA MONICA
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... Proposition Y ... Proposition why not? With marijuana now at the bottom of the police priority list, Buzz felt the sinful smoke had suddenly lost that rebellious, huddled-in-mom’s-backyard-with-a-lighter-and-can-of-air freshener appeal. Really, if anyone can do it, what’s the allure? If you can’t stick it to “the man,” my peeps, go stick it someplace else ... In search of the next kick, Buzz turned his attention to an herb of another sort — nutmeg. Grinding up his mom’s food additive, Buzz concocted himself some tea and gulped it down. Only then did Buzz read up on the effects of nutmeg, where past users’ Internet confessionals speak to days, even weekends and weeks, completely lost to a buzz they can’t shake. At a birthday party for the Buzzman the next day in Mid-City, nutmeg didn’t seem like such a good idea when cowering in the corner of the room, alone. Buzz should have known — it’s all about smoking banana peels this season ...
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MY WRITE
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You’d think that after the furor over 1826 Pearl Street, City Hall would get a clue.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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It’s official. We’ve been in Iraq longer than all of WWII (Remember Rummy’s “Six days, six weeks, certainly not more than six months?”). NBC now labels the conflict a “civil war,” while the administration insists it’s “another phase.” They’re having a war over what to call the war! Colin Powell warned Bush that invading Iraq would open the gates of hell. I just hope those gates don’t hit us in the ass on the way out.
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THE SOAP BOX
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Standing before the 1964 Democratic Convention and waiting as delegates cheered for 22 minutes before he could speak a word, Bobby Kennedy clearly had a hold on the Democratic Party at a time when the party had a hold on the nation — controlling the White House and both houses of Congress and over half the voters.
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WHAT’S THE POINT?
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I’m a smoker. Well, I used to be. I grew up in a household where my father smoked three packs of Viceroy a day and my brother smoked three packs of Marlboro reds. I grew up hating the smell, the dirt from the ashes and the fact that my clothes smelled like I was a smoker. My godmother was a fierce smoker, and so were her sister, brother and daughter.
This was the late ’60s and early ’70s, when seemingly everyone around me smoked but my mother.
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COMMON SCENTS
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Every time I travel, I come back home with some degree of additional insight. A few weeks ago, I spent some time in two downtown areas of large, urban areas in northern California — San Francisco and Sacramento. Given their size (approximately 739,000 and 456,000, respectively), I expected to see at least as many street people there as we have in Santa Monica (total population of approximately 87,000).
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BUZZ’IN SANTA MONICA
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... Buzz knew he’d hit the Big Tyme on Tuesday, standing in line to make it legal at the DMV, doing that hurry-up-and-wait thing. It soon turned into the Heavy DMV when actor-musician Heavy D had a brush with the Buzzmeister while waiting for their numbers to be up. The Boyz would have been of no use to the hip-hop icon, cause nobody’s Livin’ Large waiting for the state’s finest to laminate their headshots. We’re all just a number in the end, Heavy, no matter how many guest spots you’ve done for the sublime situational comedy “Yes, Dear” ...
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MY WRITE
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I’ve taken a lot of heat for my criticism of the incompetent way Santa Monica-Malibu Unified School District finances have been handled over the years.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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Until a few days ago, the heatwave in Santa Monica had some people considering barbecuing the turkey, which might have been cumbersome on my hibachi. It was so hot, last-minute shopping could have included cranberry sauce, stuffing and sunscreen. At Thanksgiving, It’s supposed to be cold with a fire crackling in the fireplace, or in my case, an old space heater that barely glows. But suddenly, it was summer again!
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MODERN TIMES
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It’s time for me to share some of the e-mails that I have received in response to some of my recent columns. So, enjoy:
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ICONOCLAST BLAST
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Thanksgiving is a time to stand aside and recognize our blessings and good fortune. For one day, we look back instead of forward. We hit the pause button on our frenetic lives and acknowledge this bounteous, complex drama we call life.
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NEWS ON THE EDGE
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Human dignity might be as good a place as any to start this thing. Not a half-bad place to start anything, do you think? As difficult a concept as it appears to be for some to grasp, we all know. We’re born with it, just as surely as we’re born with a heart in our chest.
America showed off a lot of both on the first Tuesday after the first Monday, when we (pardon the indignity) threw the bums the hell out.
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WHATS THE POINT?
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As we prepare for this Thursday’s gastronomic extravaganza, I just want to take a moment to share my thoughts on what Thanksgiving is for, and to give thanks for the many gifts that I have.
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BUZZ’IN SANTA MONICA
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... Standing in line at a local Starbucks (that nails it down), Buzz was decidedly un-beatnik, awaiting a barista dude to take an order for his mocha latte. Hey, it’s hard representin’ 24/7, man. The woman at the counter was taking an extended period of time in which to place her order, digging through her designer purse and whatnots, making all chit-chatty with the mermaid logo-wearing Java Joe. Upon closer inspection (that is, eavesdroppin’), it appeared the woman was looking to impress.
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MY WRITE
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The City of Santa Monica decided not to loan Step Up on Second the sum of $465,000 to purchase property at 1826 Pearl Street for a halfway house.
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MODERN TIMES
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Democrats, stop celebrating, and Republicans, don’t despair. I know the Democrats won the recent election on paper, but in the long run, the Republicans just might be the big winners of Election 2006. In fact, I think the Republicans set the whole thing up so that the Democrats could fail over the next two years, which will bring about a big Republican Presidential win in 2008.
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LAUGHING MATTERS
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The election is over, and none too soon. The worst part were the computerized phone calls. In one day, I received 12 voicemails. I wish I had that many friends. I even got one from Robert Redford. For years, I’ve been trying to get him to read my script, and when he finally calls, it’s about Proposition 87! Oh, well.
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SOAP BOX
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“Electronic voting machines are placing our democracy at risk.” This dire warning on the eve of the election came not from MoveOn.org or Air America, but CNN anchor and lifelong Republican Lou Dobbs.
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WHAT’S THE POINT?
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Whitney is divorcing Bobby, Britney is dumping K-Fed, and the honeymoon is definitely over for Nick and Jessica.
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BUZZ’IN SANTA MONICA
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... Sitting in the Firehouse restaurant on Main Street in Venice, trying to stomach an ill-advised breakfast burrito order, the Buzzsaw’s stomach took a turn for the worse after a glance outside the front window. There, between each smiling passerby, was Jonathan Borofsky’s “Ballerina Clown” half-kicking his (her?) fresh little dancer leg. When one pedestrian stopped to glance at the big ol’ odd landmark, then looked inside the Firehouse and saw Buzz staring at it, a look of shame and guilt of confused Catholic School proportions came upon the Buzzman. Indeed, Buzz in that moment felt smaller than a Tinkerbell with a grizzled male Gacy-like clown head ...
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MY WRITE
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Santa Monicans for Renters’ Rights ran roughshod over everybody and everything this election ... and came out big winners.
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