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# A long time ago, in theaters far, far away
- URL: https://www.smdp.com/a-long-time-ago-in-theaters-far-far-away-2/
- Published: 2005-05-18T15:00:00.000Z
- Updated: 2026-10-23T07:10:38.000Z
- Author: Dan Dunn
- Tags: Entertainment, Santa Monica, #archive-import

Much has transpired in the five films leading up to “Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith,” and as a service to those who might be a bit fuzzy on the details, here is a recap: Episode IV: A New Hope (released in 1977) Back in the ’70s most people were probably too hopped-up on the Bee Gees and Billy Beer to realize it, but the first “Star Wars” movie was set in the middle of the saga. The story of the rise and fall of the Galactic Empire technically didn’t begin until George Lucas got around to releasing “The Phantom Menace” in 1999, thus rendering 22 years of human history totally meaningless for legions of sci-fi geeks. As perplexing as it ultimately wound up being, “Episode IV: A New Hope” — the film formerly known simply as “Star Wars” — seemed a pretty straightforward good versus evil affair at the time, featuring a handsome young actor named Mark Hamill who was clearly destined for cinematic greatness.

Memorable line: “I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.” — Obi Wan Kenobi, foretelling events surrounding the release of the 1978 Mark Hamill film, “Corvette Summer.”

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980) As the title suggests, the bad guys were really pissed off about losing their precious Death Star at the conclusion of the first … er, fourth, uh, previous film and retaliate with a vengeance against Rebel forces who despite having retreated to the coldest planet in the universe, are inexplicably attired in light, summery tones. Yoda, Lando Calrissian and Boba Fett are introduced, raising the bar in the “funny names drinking game” being played on college campuses everywhere. Han Solo spends much of the picture trying to lay-a the Princess, and Darth Vader stuns Luke Skywalker by revealing he’s gay. (Not really — though he does ask, “Who’s your daddy?” while whacking the young stud with his saber.) And for you trivia buffs: John Ratzenberger, who went on to play trivia buff Cliff Clavin on “Cheers,” has a minor role in this one as “Person who has never been in my kitchen.”

Memorable line: “Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is.” — Yoda, revealing the secret of his legendary sexual prowess.

Episode VI: The Return of the Jedi (1983) Luke tells Leia that they are siblings, clearing up any lingering questions about why the two had never done more than swap spit. The Empire builds a state-of-the art new Death Star only to have it destroyed by a bunch of furry, do-rag-wearing little creatures called Ewoks, who will be disparaged for years to come by fans for being too cutesy. Little do those fans know, the worst is yet to come.

Memorable line: “And now, young Skywalker... you will die.” — The Emperor, who was still very upset at having forked over dough to see “Corvette Summer.”

Episode I: What the @&%$ is a Jar Jar Binks? (1999) OK, the actual title was “The Phantom Menace,” but you get the idea. Binks, the floppy-eared, funny-talking CGI character is universally reviled, and a cute little moppet named Jake Lloyd is trashed for being a cute little moppet instead of the fire-breathing devil child we’d always hoped Vader would be. (Apparently, Lucas couldn’t convince David Spade to sign on for the role) The words “Natalie Portman” and “finally legal” appear together on zillions of Web sites.

Memorable line: “Monsters out there, leaking in here. Weesa all sinking and no power. Whena yousa thinking we are in trouble?” — Jar Jar Binks, just prior to being savagely maimed in my imagination.

Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002) It’s best to pretend this one never happened, but if you must know what went down (and I do mean DOWN), suffice it to say that there were plenty of web-sites featuring the words “Hayden Christensen” and “made of wood.”

Memorable line: “I've got a bad feeling about this.” — Anakin Skywalker, echoing the very thought that crossed the minds of most fans and critics within the first 10 minutes of the movie.

*Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on May 18, 2005.* [Read the original PDF.](https://s3.us-east-1.amazonaws.com/smdp%5Fbackissues/051805.pdf?ref=smdp.com)