Dear Dean:
It’s been over 40 years since we shared Mrs. Gleason’s math class at Malibu Park Jr. High, where I tried to keep a low profile before boarding at a school in Ojai in part to avoid getting bussed into Santa Monica High, the urban seaside petri dish that cultivated you and, later, the current White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller. Full disclosure, at MPJHS I liked a girl with a terrific smile named Nada who was also in Mrs. Gleason’s math class, but Nada, and everyone else, including Mrs. Gleason, liked you. As an adult I marveled at your career as Superman on cable television, and as a movie publicist in NYC grew to admire the authenticity your affiliation with law enforcement brought as you gained stature in more militaristic roles, such as your rogue first responder in the frenetic, 2006 natural disaster thriller 10.5 APOCALYPSE, currently on Prime. Today, as if your hometown was not already hurting enough from a real apocalypse, I see you are joining ICE. In the name of our shared status as Malibu natives, here are my Top 5 Malibu ICE Raid Targets that will help you score points with your new boss, DHS Secretary Kristi Noem, and The Big Boss.
WHOLE FOODS – Not a raid target per se but point out to Noem the owner, Jeff Bezos, donated a million dollars to The Big Boss’ inauguration, so his parking lot should be a safe space for your tactical unit in a Jay Penske van, disguised as delivery vehicle for print editions of Variety, to stage after chilling with an açai smoothie or carb-loading at Prince St. Pizza. Who knows what working brown people from Woodland Hills or Santa Clarita your unit might apprehend as they end their shift, head towards the bus stop? Also Ms. Noem should be made aware of the Free People boutique kitty corner to the parking lot, they have super-cute stuff, she’d look great in all of it.
CAFETERIA AT NEW MALIBU HIGH – This spanking new, multi-million dollar, architecturally woke facility with stunning ocean views took years to build, sparked massive local controversy over rainy season construction during – get this – an historic drought and ran more over budget than DC’s Federal Reserve building. As the campus opens its doors to first students you can count on criminals working in the kitchen. The Big Boss’ “brain,” Stephen Miller, used a bullhorn to call out those scary Mexican lunch ladies when he was at Santa Monica High and look where that got him !
FIRE REBUILD SITES, BUT NOT WHERE YOU’D EXPECT – Noem and The Big Boss LOVE interagency cooperation. Where did all that Woolsey FEMA money go, anyway? I vividly recall watching CNN as the Big Boss touched down here as Woolsey fire rubble still smoldered and we know how much he appreciates fine real estate. Any brown people still working Woolsey rebuilds? Cleaning the infinity pool? Shaping the Bougainvillea?
NOBU – Were POTUS to touch down in Malibu for a photo op with you and Ms. Noem, may I suggest shutting down PCH south of the Malibu Pier, conducting an ICE raid at Nobu (sticking it to the owner, who The Big Boss can call The UN-Talented Mr. DeNiro on Truth Social !) then navigating The Beast to the window at the MacDonald’s Drive Thru before a magic hour glide up the coast to Point Mugu Naval Air Station where Air Force One is waiting and where, on the tarmac, bathed in the dirty orange light of a classic SoCal sunset, POTUS can recall this is where Ronald Reagan “came home.”
KBUU BROADCAST STUDIOS – Own the narrative by busting in on a weekday at 7:17am just as Malibu’s only source of daily local news airs live. Many people say host Hans Laetz is a communist.
Jeremy Walker
Malibu Park