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# Get over the need to feel guilt of being a parent
- URL: https://www.smdp.com/get-over-the-need-to-feel-guilt-of-being-a-parent/
- Published: 2003-12-16T16:00:00.000Z
- Updated: 2026-10-23T03:20:12.000Z
- Author: Guest Author
- Tags: local, Santa Monica, #archive-import

*By Margaret Altman*

Parents are often forced to make difficult choices very early in their infant’s life. They may have to depend upon child care when the baby is 3 or 4 months old. They may decide to follow a program for sleep that entails letting the baby cry for periods of time. They may choose an irresponsible baby-sitter, or the wrong formula.

Parents worry a lot about everything that they do and they are anxious that something could impact the baby for years to come.

Guilt is painful neither parents nor infant benefit one bit from. Fortunately, everyone benefits from research which shows that parents can and do effectively repair most mistakes. When they do this in a positive way they teach the child a great deal about recovering from stressful situations.

The important parenting issue of providing timely emotional repair is sweeping the scientific domain in terms of the brain’s ability to recover function and the child’s ability to learn from experiences that are not always pleasant or easy.

The answers to the following questions will demonstrate what we mean.

Question: My baby doesn’t love me any-more. What did I do wrong?

Jen wrung her hands and tears flowed down her cheeks. “My baby is mad at me and it’s my fault for putting him into daycare. But I have to work! When I pick him up after work he won’t cuddle with me even though I hold him closely for a long time.”

Response: Jen is not alone in feeling frustrated by this common situation. Infants at 3 months old are being cared for while parents work and many moms and dads worry about how their baby will adjust. Most babies who are being cared for by warm and responsible people do well in these situations, especially when the parents’ expectations and attitudes help the infant to adjust. The key words here are expectations and attitudes, and these apply to the baby as well as the parent. Parents should expect that their child will have some initial adjustment problems and not become overwhelmed with guilt and anxiety. A warm and calm and consistent routine is good for all young children both before and after daycare. Make the transition into and from daycare smooth and unrushed even though you may have things to do so that the child does not become anxious. With young infants it is important not to overwhelm them with hugs, kisses and demands for affection when you get them back into your arms. Parents should expect kids to be tired or irritable after a long day away from home and they need time to make their own transition. Your baby benefits from your calm and consistent approach to their needs. This kind of parenting brings the child back into the balanced comfort zone which, as we know, is healthy for the mind and the body.

Question: When I pick up my 4-year-old from daycare I try to make up for the hours he spent without me. He seems angry at me and doesn’t like anything I do. I’m worn out. What am I doing wrong?

Response: When we asked Mary what she does to “make up” for the hours, she said that she takes her child to the park and then to a toddler karate class or a gymnastics group for young children. Many parents seek to make up for lost time by filling the available hours with intense activities. In this way they believe that they are doing things with their children. In fact, many youngsters prefer to have less stimulating and more face-to-face time with their parents after daycare. They enjoy telling stories about their day in school, or just sitting and being read to. Day care is often very stimulating for youngsters and they do need time to decompress with parents in a warm and comfortable environment.

Mom and dad provide the balanced kind of stimulation that brings the child back into his comfort zone. This is the kind of repair work that your child needs.

Question: We tried our best to protect our child but it wasn’t enough. Shouldn’t we work harder to make sure this doesn’t ever happen again?

Response: Sam and Pat found out recently that their 5-year-old son had been picked on and bullied by an older child in the baby-sitter’s home. This older child turned out to be the baby-sitter’s nephew. The parents immediately took their child out of the situation and decided that mom would quit her job so that she could watch him all of the time. And she does keep her eye on him day and night. The child is now having sleep problems and does-n’t want to play with his friends.

Parents who innocently expose their children to harm often become overwhelmed with guilt and anxiety. These emotions can lead to over-protecting the child in order to prevent future harm. The result is often that the child becomes anxious, avoids new situations and sometimes feels that he is the cause of the problem.

Depending upon the age of the child and the extent of the harm, it is important to help the youngster learn how to tell someone when he is being abused even if the abuse is fairly mild. Any child who has language skills can begin to learn that if someone hurts him he is to immediately seek help. The next lesson for parents to teach young children is that after a situation like this occurs, you take the lesson you have learned and move ahead. Children need to explore and to feel confident about their social skills. Over-protection may lead to stifling their enthusiasm and their sense of accomplishment in the social environment. Repairing the harm done in this kind of situation means teaching new skills and supporting the child’s positive attitude towards life. (Margaret Altman L.C.S.W. is the author of Developing Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence (April 2003). She is in private practice with Alexander Korchmarev M.D. in Sherman Oaks, specializing in Child and Adolescent Development and Biobehavioral Medicine).

*Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on December 16, 2003.* [Read the original PDF.](https://s3.us-east-1.amazonaws.com/smdp%5Fbackissues/121603.pdf?ref=smdp.com)