> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://www.smdp.com/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Good husbands can be bad dads - URL: https://www.smdp.com/good-husbands-can-be-bad-dads/ - Published: 2008-06-17T15:00:00.000Z - Updated: 2026-10-24T19:55:09.000Z - Author: David Pisarra - Tags: Opinion, Santa Monica, #archive-import THERE IS A SOCIETAL SHIFT GOING ON and it requires that we address some of the fundamentals of what we believe and ask of our members. This past weekend Sen. Barack Obama gave a Father’s Day speech on the need for fathers to step up to the plate in the black community. He was speaking to a segment of our society that he sees has too many single parent homes, and those single parents are moms. His point was that the community needs to come together to fix itself, to bring men and women together when they are parents, that the men have to become “men” and be the standard bearers of their community, that they need to instill positive virtues and behaviors in their children. He’s correct. There are far too many children who are abandoned by their fathers in the black community. The rate of single motherhood in the black community is a shameful fact that leads to warped lives and is a destruction of the family unit and the connection that all children need to their family. However, I think that Obama fell short in this speech, in that the problem he correctly identifies, he mistakenly limited for the benefit of his audience in a church. The problem goes much deeper, and into all ethnic groups. It is a problem that is not exclusively a black problem. It is not an inherently African-American trait. It is not a behavior that only black men engage in. It is a problem that cuts across all ethnic-ities, and all economic strata. This is going to be a heretical statement in this bastion of political correctness, but the fault for it is not the men. It is the women — most of the time. From a basic biological standpoint, it is the man’s job to chase the female and to convince her that she should carry his genetic material into the future. Males of all species, (except for the seahorse) engage in very similar roles in the pursuit of procreation. They preen (equivalent to the male driving a Corvette), they fight for supremacy over their male peers (equivalent to the wallet race of humans), they do stupid, seemingly pointless behavior to get the females attention (sports and toupees). Generally, in nature it is the role of the female to decide who to accept into her life and her body. She chooses the male who will father her children. This is done by way of instinct, and by which male reigns supreme. In humans, we behave similarly in many cases. Successful men attract successful women, and together they raise happy children. At least in theory. Where this breaks down is in that sizable minority of women who forget the rules of the game. They confuse being a husband with being a father. They think that if a man is a father, then he will be a good husband. They mistakenly assume that a man will naturally have paternal instincts once he is a dad — because women can have maternal instincts prior to pregnancy. They want him to want to settle down, and think that a kid will do it. This is where it is the women’s fault. They have the right to choose whether or not to have this child with this man. If they choose a man who is emotionally immature, who is not financially stable, who is not ready to be a father and a husband, they cannot then demand that he “grow up” and be the man they want him to be. Sperm donors, fathers and husbands are three very different things. They should not be confused, and it is unreasonable to expect a sperm donor to act like a father. Fathers are there in the middle of the night, they show up for baseball games and plays and help with homework. Fathers are men who will take responsibility to the best of their ability. That doesn’t make them perfect. They will never pay enough child support for some women, and they should not be allowed to see their children for others, but in the end, a father has much to offer to his children. A husband is a spouse. He is not a father. He is supposed to be a partner to a mate. Husbands and fathers should not be confused. Being a father will not make some men a husband, and it is unreasonable to expect them to be. There’s a reason it’s called Father’s Day and not Husband’s Day. *Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on June 17, 2008.* [Read the original PDF.](https://s3.us-east-1.amazonaws.com/smdp%5Fbackissues/061708.pdf?ref=smdp.com)