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# GUEST COMMENTARY BY DANNY GALLAGHER What a ‘dumbocracy’!
- URL: https://www.smdp.com/guest-commentary-by-danny-gallagher-what-a-dumbocracy/
- Published: 2006-11-16T16:00:00.000Z
- Updated: 2026-10-25T01:15:46.000Z
- Author: Guest Author
- Tags: Opinion, Santa Monica, #archive-import

*By Danny Gallagher is a freelance writer, humorist and reporter living in Texas. His web site is www.danny-gallagher.net.*

We might come from different economic backgrounds. We might hold opposing political and social philosophies. We might start knife fights over the whole “Tastes great, less filling” debate.

Regardless of where we stand or who we are, we all are allowed participate in the political process. The very idea makes my brain bleed.

But that was the Founding Fathers’ intention. They wanted to create a system of government that let the people rule the government, not the other way around. They came from an oppressive system where the government ruled over their people the way an overburdened mother who hadn’t yet discovered oxycotin rules over her kids.

This was a time when they did not have any freedoms to take for granted. The Founding Fathers didn’t know what was in store. They just handed us the keys to a rental car and told us we could do whatever we wanted to it as long as we returned it with a full tank of gas. We never got that full tank of gas. One of the bumpers is also missing and the dashboard is sticky and there’s a smell coming from the trunk, but no one has the guts, the curiosity or the keys to see what’s causing it.

If the Founding Fathers had gazed into their crystal balls (and yes, they had crystal balls because they were the Founding Freakin’ Fathers, don’t question my patriotism) and seen the people they were granting these rights to, I’m not saying they would immediately pull out of the war effort, rescind their troops and fall back under the oppressive powers of the British monarchy. The Revolutionary War wasn’t just fought to ensure the right to vote. It was also fought for the right to speak freely, worship the God of our choice and party!

But, if I were them, I am saying I might have tweaked it a little. Here’s some of the people who, thanks to the laws of time and space, were this close to losing their right to vote.

People who submit fake names for write-in candidates. These are the jokers who write in names like “Donald Duck,” “Howard Stern” and “Ivana Tinkle” on the write-in candidate line of their ballots. I know you’re disenfranchised by the system, tired of the endless, meaningless debates that only breed apathy or just really high, but this kind of stuff wastes the time of the people who were willing to volunteer to help with the voting process. At least try to come up with better names like “Stu Pidass” or “Felipe D. Bird.”

People who base their vote on coin flips, rock-papers-scissors or any random chance method — voting means you not only have the right to pick who you want to serve you in your government, but you also have the right to choose who you want based on the thoughts, beliefs and philosophies that you agree with. People who vote by playing “Hot Potato” or “My mother and your mother were out hanging clothes when my mother punched your mother right in the nose” either can’t think for themselves or don’t believe in evolution because it hasn’t happened to them yet.

People who ask themselves in the voting booth: “What Would Jesus Do?” First of all, Jesus wouldn’t be voting. If he truly loves all of God’s children, then that means he loves them equally and wouldn’t show favorites by voting for one of them. If he did try to vote for all of them, that means he voted more than once and committed a felony. Then God will have to come down and bail his boy out of jail, taking him away from his daily duties of protecting the planet, which is right when an asteroid strikes the earth, kills off half the world population, starts another ice age and turns the world into a cold, barren, icy wasteland. That’s right, these people turned the earth into Canada.

Ann Coulter. This has nothing to do with her political beliefs or strong conservative ideals. This has nothing to do with the direction she believes the country should be headed or the opinions she holds. This does-n’t even have anything to do with the fact that she’s nuts. According to the Associated Press, she’s been accused of voting in the wrong district, which technically is voter fraud. She screwed up a concept as simple as voting. She’s also nuttier than a Payday bar.

People who voted for “Dancing with the Stars” and “American Idol.” These people would rather pay to vote for overrated celebrities on overrated reality shows than not pay anything to vote for their next president. These people put the “dumb” in freedom.

*Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on November 16, 2006.* [Read the original PDF.](https://s3.us-east-1.amazonaws.com/smdp%5Fbackissues/111606.pdf?ref=smdp.com)