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# Jack Neworth: A blank printer page and a column deadline
- URL: https://www.smdp.com/jack-neworth-send-comments-to-editor-smdp-com-laughing-matters/
- Published: 2007-02-16T16:00:00.000Z
- Updated: 2026-10-24T00:04:20.000Z
- Author: Guest Author
- Tags: Opinion, Santa Monica, #archive-import

EVEN THOUGH I DON’T UNDERSTAND the first thing about technology, I’m a slave to it. For me, a broken computer is worse than a broken car. With the car, at least I can take the bus. Without my computer, I’m lost. Longhand is not only painfully slow, but I can’t read my own writing. As I try out loud, I sound like Bush reading “My Pet Goat.”

This particular problem involved my printer and happened right before the deadline for my column. It sounded like it was printing, but there was nothing on the page. It wasn’t the cartridge, because I didn’t get the “low ink” warning. Besides, when the ink is low, words appear faint, but they appear. This was blank. Stressed, I became paranoid the printer was commenting on the quality of my writing.

Late as it was, I had one option: Get drunk and go to bed. Mark Twain said, “Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow, unless it involves fishing.” But I worried if I went to sleep I’d have nightmares about printers spewing a cyclone of pages.

Nervously, I went to the “help” section of the printer program (For someone with A.D.D., this is an act of desperation.) “Did I check the power cord?” Duh. Was the printer cable connected? Double duh. The tutorial suggested calling the “tech support hot-line.” It should be called, “If you’ve got 45 minutes to kill hot line.” And the cost of the “help” was going to be more than a new printer.

These days, it doesn’t pay to fix anything, except perhaps a Mercedes, and then you need a bank loan. It’s cheaper to buy electronics new, if you’re not bothered by China owning us. Landfills are overflowing with out-of-date printers, fax machines, Walkmans and Palm Pilots. A thousand years from now, archeologists are going to conclude we were a colony of China. Maybe we will be. I just hope they don’t conclude: “The schnook didn’t connect the power cord.”

I called my friend Margie, who had a good idea. (And she didn’t ask me for my credit card number.) Why not uninstall and re-install the printer software? First, I had to find the disc. Turning the apartment upside down, I finally located it and was relieved I wasn’t using it as a coaster.

I made myself a drink as I un-installed my printer program, clinging to hope. (Actually, I was clinging to the vodka and orange juice.) The re-install was going smoothly, until the very end, when I got a dreaded error message: “Printer Driver Unknown.” What did that mean? It meant I was toast. (An odd expression because I like toast.) Wishful thinking, perhaps the error message was a mistake, or the full moon. Maybe I should uninstall and re-install again? (The vodka talking.) After repeating the process four times, it was obvious whatever form of divine intervention I was hoping for, was not coming. Even worse, now I was getting an error message from my writing program:“In order to open this, you need to have a printer installed.” I stared at my monitor in disbelief. I could see my scripts and columns, I just couldn’t open them. All that was left for me was chanting or throwing my computer off the balcony. Fortunately, I didn’t have to do either.

At my wit’s end, I went meekly to my browser and typed my problems. (Computer, not personal.) To my amazement, one of the links read, “Having trouble installing your printer software?” My jaw dropped. I hurriedly opened it. The author confessed she had just wasted the worst 10 hours of her life! (Dumb as I am, I had only wasted six.) The instructions were to temporarily disable my start-up programs, install the software and then enable the start-up programs again. It sounded like Greek to me, but just then my neighbor Elizabeth came over to borrow a potato. (I don’t make this stuff up.) Elizabeth is less computer savvy than I am, but has infinitely more patience. (Who does-n’t?) In 15 minutes, we followed his instructions, re-booted the computer and... the printer worked!

I went back to the link and noticed a dozen other grateful souls, on the brink of taking a hammer to their computer, had sent the author a well-deserved thank you note. I did as well. I have computer problems so often, I practically invited her to move in. I had another drink to celebrate my victory over technology, however temporary. Proudly, I printed my column, proofed it and sent it in.

If you find any typos, blame it on the vodka.

*Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on February 16, 2007.* [Read the original PDF.](https://s3.us-east-1.amazonaws.com/smdp%5Fbackissues/021607.pdf?ref=smdp.com)