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# New and improved seven deadly sins
- URL: https://www.smdp.com/new-and-improved-seven-deadly-sins/
- Published: 2008-04-09T15:00:00.000Z
- Updated: 2026-10-24T23:52:35.000Z
- Author: Guest Author
- Tags: Opinion, Santa Monica, #archive-import

*By Steve “the Mailman” Breen Going Postal STEVE BREEN is a Catholic school brat in apostasy and the “best looking mailman in the US Postal Service.” He dulcama-*

I AM PROUD TO BE A FAT, LAZY, GREEDY, curmudgeonly sex monkey and am envious of anybody who can do it better! Just ask any Republican … we’re just so good at this sin shindig.

Long, long ago, in an historical context, far, far away (the 6th century to be exact), Pope Gregory the Great promulgated the Original 7 Greatest Hits of Sin. Greg the Great was a monastic party killer who introduced celibacy into Catholic orthodoxy as a way to preclude the assignment of Papal largesse from passing from Church control to the wives, mistresses and their offspring of concupiscent clergyman.

Greg’s critics included among his contemporaries, the Gaulish Gregory of Tours, Visigothic Spanish bishops, grouchy Lombardy dukes and the Jewish Exarchate of Ravenna. The scholarly culture of Celtic Christianity developed separately from Rome’s control while the Germans became independently Christianized. (Sounds a lot like the DNC) Greg the Great’s surviving writings show him to be superstitious, hostile to learning, a theological dullard and harboring firm beliefs in miracles and relics (Sounds a lot like Obama’s pastor).

Fast forward to present day and the current reign of Pope Benedict XVI (Joseph Alois Ratzinger), successor to the Papal Throne vacated by decedent John Paul II.

Recently the Church has decided to “modernize”. This “modernization” is in keeping with swift Church tradition, which only recently as 2000, under John Paul II, held that the Church would finally recognize Galileo’s position of Copernican heliocentric “theory” (that the earth actually revolves around the sun) 367 years after the astronomer was brought before the Inquisition for this inconvenient “heretical” truth. Strangely enough, it was Cardinal Ratzinger in a 1990 speech at La Sapienza University in Rome that clarified the Church’s position on this “heresy” as a “…symptomatic case that permits us to see how deep the self-doubt of the modern age, of science and technology goes today.” And that “…it would be foolish to construct an impulsive apologetic on the basis of such views” (emphasis added) Hmmm.

OK, then … let’s get back to sweaty, lazy, gluttonous sinning, shall we?

Now pay close attention because if you flub up, you’ll go to Hell, go straight to Hell, you will not pass “Go” nor collect $200\. The Church has a monopoly on this, you see.

It is now a mortal sin as opposed to a venial sin to engage in: 1\. Genetic Modification (Wearing an Armani suit thinking you’re Jake Gyllenhall yet you deport yourself like Jack Black … you look like Hell) 2\. Human experimentations (slamming “two-for-one” Tequila Jell-o shooters while on spring break in Ensenada and then attempting to mud wrestle with the busty blonde twin sisters with club feet … you’re going to Hell) 3\. Polluting the environment (ejecting some of the 32 Tequila Jell-o shooters outside the bar … this must be Hell) 4\. Social Injustice (ejecting the rest of the 32 Tequila Jell-o shooters onto the Jesse James custom chopper owned by the 325lb biker boyfriend of the blonde sisters who proceeds to stomp you into a mud puddle … you’ll think you’re in Hell) 5\. Causing Poverty (Not having enough money to make bail out of a Mexican jail following the fight with the biker boyfriend … this is truly Hell) 6\. Financial Gluttony (Mexican jailer TASERs you until you surrender your PIN number and empties your trust fund … you hope he goes to Hell) 7\. Taking drugs (So much for the aspirin for the hangover … you think, “shoot me so I can go to Hell”) Sheesh! These bad boys are tough. I was still getting the hang of the “OG” sins and now the Big Kahuna in Rome throws one low and outside so I can’t even swing for the fence and make it to Purgatory! After looking at this list, one would have thought that Al Gore dreamt these up.

Are the Pope and his crew going to stop polluting the environment and stop flying private jets all over the world and go “green” with the “Pope-mobile?” Is he going to ride a bike instead? Is he going to stop social injustice and causing poverty by exhorting Christendom to have more kids than the world has resources to accommodate? Is he going to divest himself of the conspicuous wealth in Church coffers and truly adhere to the vow of “poverty?” And stop the “human experimentation” with altar boys! This drug of choice should have been the first “Do Not Enter” sign posted on the Road to Perdition.

Maybe nobody will notice for 367 years or so.

*Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 9, 2008.* [Read the original PDF.](https://s3.us-east-1.amazonaws.com/smdp%5Fbackissues/040908.pdf?ref=smdp.com)