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# Santa Monica man arrested for slashing tires after Ocean Avenue traffic dispute
- URL: https://www.smdp.com/no-joy-in-mudville/
- Published: 2006-10-06T15:00:00.000Z
- Updated: 2026-10-25T01:05:05.000Z
- Author: Guest Author
- Tags: Opinion, Santa Monica, #archive-import

*By LAUGHING MATTERS BY JACK NEWORTH*

As I write this, I’m watching the Dodgers in Game 1 of the National League wild card playoff series. Just a minute ago, they had two runners thrown out at home on the same play! To add insult to injury, the Mets’ right-fielder is Shawn Green and the catcher is Paul Lo Duca — both former Dodgers.

As Marlon Brando said in “Apocalypse Now” — “Oh, the horror.” ESPN keeps showing the replay and I keep hoping it’ll end differently. Now that I think of it, that’s exactly how I felt about the 2000 Presidential election.

Because of the Dodgers game, if this column has typos, you’ll know why. But, like ex- Congressman Foley, I’m not using it as an excuse. Just be thankful I’m not having a lawyer issue a statement on my behalf, like “Jack feels extremely remorseful about the typos, but he wants the public to know that he was molested by his typing teacher.”

I confess, I expect the Dodgers to lose. It’s a self-preservation reflex cultivated by decades of being a Dodgers fan. Since 1988, they’ve won a grand total of one post-season game, or about the same record of the Democrats in congressional elections. Meanwhile, Mark Foley checked into a 30-day alcohol rehab, which means he doesn’t have to answer any questions.

I worry Foley’s going to give rehab a bad name. Given the number of underage boys he was “overly friendly” with, as House Speaker Hastert put it — hopefully soon to be ex- Speaker — Foley may need more than a 12-step program. I’m thinking 36 steps. Imagine being at an AA meeting where Foley testifies. It’d drive anyone to drink. Or at least a shower. Just like what the Dodgers are doing to me, because now it’s 4-1 Mets.

Before the Dodgers game, I was channel-surfing. Video clips of Foley are everywhere. In many he’s on the Capitol steps after the signing of his bill. In a self-righteous tone, he warns Internet pedophiles their lives will be ruined. It’s beyond irony. If I wrote it in one of my screenplays, a producer would throw it back at me like a rotten vegetable. But these days, it’s very realistic. Duke Cunningham, Jack Abramoff, Bob Ney, Tom Delay and now Foley. Who can forget Duke’s crocodile tears as he confessed taking $2.4 million in bribes? I never thought I’d write “Duke Cunningham” and “the Dodgers” in the same column. Duke Snider, maybe.

As part of the Foley mess, people are calling for Hastert to resign. I’m calling for him to go on a diet. Press Secretary Tony Snow says the country has bigger problems than a few naughty e-mails. Naughty e-mails? I’d say this was a little more. The Chairman of the Committee to Protect Missing and Exploited Children winds up doing the exploiting? But Bush stands by Hastert.Why not, he’s stood by Rumsfeld. By the way, more Americans have died in Iraq than in 9/11, and we’ve been there longer than we fought all of WWII.

If ex-Congressman Foley is ever criminally charged, he may wind up the only felon in history to be convicted of a law he wrote! I can see the courtroom. The judge instructs defendant Foley to rise.

“Are you aware of the charges against you?” “Aware of them? I wrote ‘em!” Dodgers update: It’s 4-4, after Nomar doubled in two runs. Keep hope alive.

Foley update: No new excuses. He’s sticking with “alcoholic, molested by a priest, and I’m a gay man.”

Well, the Dodgers just lost, 6-5\. So much for hope. Even with all the mistakes, they had a runner in scoring position with two outs in the 9th inning and Nomar up to bat. But as in the famous poem “Mighty Casey Strikes Out,” so did Nomar. There is no joy in Mudville. In fact, I was looking for razor blades when my friend Cary called. He reminded me that in 1988, also against the Mets, the Dodgers were down two games to one and down two runs in the 9th inning. And yet, they came back to win the game, the series, and eventually, the World Series against the A’s.

So maybe there is hope for the Dodgers? Now how about the country?

*Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on October 6, 2006.* [Read the original PDF.](https://s3.us-east-1.amazonaws.com/smdp%5Fbackissues/100606.pdf?ref=smdp.com)