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# Parents’ role in shaping child’s developing memory
- URL: https://www.smdp.com/parents-role-in-shaping-childs-developing-memory/
- Published: 2003-10-14T15:00:00.000Z
- Updated: 2026-10-23T03:05:59.000Z
- Author: Guest Author
- Tags: local, Santa Monica, #archive-import

*By Margret Altman*

(This is the second installment of a three-part series on memory development. The first article noted that our memory systems are important not only for their function in empowering us with the skills to store, to retrieve and to use information but also for the content and quality of what is contained in memories. We encourage parents to build healthy, positive content during the first year through their warm and consistent interactions with their infants.) Our goal is to provide young children with the kind of learned information that will guide them in making healthy decisions and leading satisfying lives.

Now we advance to the second year and the vital lessons that parents can teach in order to shape their toddlers’ growing memory abilities.

In the often tumultuous second year of life it sometimes seems as though your child has a keen memory for the things that he or she wants and doesn’t want. Kids at this stage are learning a great deal and testing out strategies for getting their needs met. Parents are faced with multiple challenges at this time and the most important one is to continue to provide positive and healthy information as the memory systems develop. Children younger than 3 years old still have not developed mature memory systems. They appear to remember a great deal and parents often assume that their memory abilities are more competent than they are. Many parents are so busy keeping up with their toddlers that they overlook one the most important memory-enhancing feature of this stage.

In terms of providing quality content for your toddler’s developing memory we turn to the experts in the field of Developmental Emotional Intelligence who point out that at this stage a child’s capacity for empathy will add to the quality and usefulness of stored memories.

Empathy, the ability to feel similar feelings to others, can be observed in children at the tender age of 18 months. Your child cries when you cry and laughs when you laugh. When parents encourage and guide this amazing capacity the child learns that people’s feelings are important. They learn that other’s feelings have value and should be remembered, and guide them in their own behavior.

QUESTION: I have a 22–month-old son who seems to be scatter-brained. He makes the same mistakes over and over again and he can’t seem to remember how to do things. I have tried time outs for when he repeatedly forgets how to use the toilet, or how to put his toys away and how to say “Thank you” for a gift received. I think that these things are very important at this point and I am worried. Does he have a problem with his memory?

ANSWER: Your son probably has a normally developing memory system. At his age, most kids are attracted to many kinds of new stimuli — they are very active and learning all kinds of things. The items that you mention above and that you want your child to remember are quite important in the social domain of life. However, there are other things that you will want him to recall in all kinds of situations as he gets older. You will want him to have the kinds of stored memories that lead to respect and understanding of his own, and other’s feelings and needs. These are the kind of high quality memories that will empower your son to make healthy decisions and retain positive values.

A young child’s compliance with rules is rarely achieved by punishing him when he forgets to do something. Compliance is most often achieved by stressing the underlying meaning of most social rules which is that they help us live together in peace and harmony.

There are several easy ways to begin to accomplish this with a child in the second year of life.

TIPS FOR PARENTS: ■ Encourage your child’s ability to express feelings appropriately. Catch your youngster when he or she is verbally or behaviorally (a smile, a frown) expressing how they feel and share the feeling with them. For example, “I like when you smile. It tells me that you are happy right now.” ■ Encourage your child to demonstrate empathy for other’s feelings. Let your youngster know that if he feels sad when someone else cries that it is a good thing. ■ Praise the positive things that your child does even if they are normal and expected things like eating most of his meal or sitting calmly when you read to him.

Now that you have built a foundation of positive emotional memories it is time to begin to shape the behaviors that you want to see. You can do this slowly and one behavior at a time, beginning with putting a few toys away at a certain time every day. Most parents find it helpful to give the child a gold star on a wall chart every time that he puts toys away. You can let him know in advance that this is something new and that at the end of a week a certain number of stars will get him something special.

Memory and empathy are closely related. We know of children who have stored traumatic memories that shape their lives and we also know that parents can do a great deal to shape the quality of the memories that guide youngsters throughout their lives. (Margret Altman, author of “Developing Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence” is a specialist in the field of child development and her goal is to make people’s knowledge and experience available for parents, teachers and any child-involved individual.)

*Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on October 14, 2003.* [Read the original PDF.](https://s3.us-east-1.amazonaws.com/smdp%5Fbackissues/101403.pdf?ref=smdp.com)