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# Republicans vow to pull out in three months
- URL: https://www.smdp.com/republicans-vow-to-pull-out-in-three-months/
- Published: 2005-04-01T16:00:00.000Z
- Updated: 2026-10-23T06:32:04.000Z
- Author: Guest Author
- Tags: Government & Politics, Santa Monica, #archive-import, Homeless

Washington, D.C.

“I’m tired of all the whining I hear from all of those people wearing their sunglasses and acting all cool in California,” Bush said, sipping a Starbuck’s coffee in the White House as he spoke candidly to reporters about his decision to open a second front on the war against terror, this time in California. “The lefties out in L.A. need to realize I’m not the enemy. Saddam Hussein is.”

Executive order GW05Yey! authorizes Congress to take $15 billion from the federal education budget so “hard-core” Republican families - mostly from Alabama, Kansas, Kentucky, Texas and West Virginia - can be re-established on the West Coast.

Operation Red Dawn, the military campaign intended to clear a path for the new Republican settlers, is expected to last three months, depending on how long it takes for U.S. military forces to sniff out liberal agitators believed to be residing mostly in Los Angeles and San Francisco counties, Pentagon officials said.

Santa Monica residents, many of them jogging on the beach or surfing Wednesday morning, said they spotted two destroyers and one aircraft carrier approximately one mile offshore when the attack began. The destroyers bombarded the city for an hour, laying waste to the Santa Monica Pier and pulverizing a slew of businesses and residential high-rise buildings on Pacific Avenue.

The bombardment was followed by the first-wave of the invasion. Republican leaders reaching the shores of Santa Monica - mostly Caucasian men in their mid-to late- 50s dressed in gray suits and black boots and resembling Imperial commanders from Star Wars: the Empire Strikes Back - led 10 battalions of general infantry, Marines, Navy Seals and Storm Troopers using 100 amphibious assault vehicles to claim the city’s shore.

Meanwhile, F-16s and X-Wing fighters destroyed targets believed to be crucial to a mobilizing resistance, called Santa Monicans for Renters’ Rights Fighters, or SMRRFs. Among the Republican targets were any affordable housing units in Santa Monica.

The Republicans easily claimed the beach, scaring off the few residents - most of them homeless - who survived the bombardment by getting drunk and covering themselves in blankets.

Within 30 minutes ashore the Republicans were joined by their imminent leader, Darth Rumsfeld. The Republicans marched toward City Hall and were ambushed by 100 SMRRFs waiting for them on the grassy field south of Colorado Avenue.

The SMRRFs were out-manned by the thousands. They were also out-gunned, since their only weapons were bricks from destroyed low-cost apartments, which they tossed at the Republicans. But that didn’t stop the SMRRFs from putting up a well-spirited, but otherwise pathetic fight. To make the fight more fair, Rumsfeld offered to go head to head with the SMRRFs’ greatest champion, a wise and respected man who was one of the city elders, Go Geeser.

Rumsfeld told Geeser that a winner in a duel would determine the political fate of Santa Monica. Unfortunately, that’s not what happened. Geeser wrestled Rumsfeld to the ground, but the Republicans still sacked City Hall.

“If there is no room for us (liberals) on the West Coast, where can we go (that we can afford)?” Geeser cried, as Rumsfeld and the rest of the Republican horde marched on to Main Street.

A CITY UNDER SIEGE Republican officials said Santa Monica will serve as a springboard for the acquisition of other liberal cities on the California shore as they are joined by citizens from inland communities fed up with the liberal tradition dominating the Golden State. Community leaders from Simi Valley, Yorba Linda and Palm Springs have all pledged troops to Operation Red Dawn and the Republican cause.

“I’m glad to see the administration taking a proactive role in its relationship with California, many in which state live inland and have been led to believe for years they were citizens in a country separate from the United States,” said Tim Swanson, 54, a Pal Springs real estate agent and active Rotarian. “This shows California hasn’t been forgotten yet. Now if we can only stop the invasion of Mexico, I’d be more than willing to send some of my boys to L.A. to restore a little law and order.”

*Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2005.* [Read the original PDF.](https://s3.us-east-1.amazonaws.com/smdp%5Fbackissues/040105.pdf?ref=smdp.com)