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# Stupid is as stupid does at E-Z Screw in a Jiffy
- URL: https://www.smdp.com/stupid-is-as-stupid-does-at-e-z-screw-in-a-jiffy-2/
- Published: 2002-09-14T15:00:00.000Z
- Updated: 2026-10-23T00:44:09.000Z
- Author: Dan Dunn
- Tags: Opinion, Santa Monica, #archive-import

It was just the other day, driving home after forking over $44.95 for what was advertised as a $24 oil change, that I began to wonder just when in the hell I had entered the ranks of the New Stupid.

The thought lingered: Later that same day, back at my embarrassingly tiny stupid-person’s studio apartment, I received (via certified mail, no less) a letter from the IRS threatening prosecution unless I made good on $202 in back taxes owed. That’s when I remembered an article I’d read in Forbes in which it was estimated that over 1,000 corporations with assets of $300 million or more paid no taxes and reported “no income” last year, and that corporate tax shelters cost average Americans $10 billion a year. And I thought, geez, when the hell did I become Mayor of New Stupidville?

Having neither the time nor inclination to “smarten up” in regards to the vast United States tax code, I decided the voodoo economics of an oil change might be a better baby-step out of my new demographic.

So I called over to my local lube-and-go spot, which — in the interest of fairness to all the oil change con artists — I’ll call “E- Z Screw in a Jiffy.”

“Yeah, hi,” I said. “May I please speak to the manager?”

“Is there something I can help you with, sir?” asked the woman at the other end of the line.

“Are you the manager?” “No.” “Is the manager in?” “Yes, he is.” I paused for a moment to bang my head against a large kitchen appliance, then … “Well,” I sighed, rubbing my noggin, “thanks for offering, but if it’s all the same to you, I think I’d like to speak to the manager … you know, LIKE I ASKED IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!”

Jose, the manager, seemed like a nice enough fella. He referred to me as Mr. Dunn, and repeatedly emphasized the corporate mantra — that “customer satisfaction is the NUMBER ONE priority at E-Z Screw in a Jiffy.”

And what a relief it was to hear that, and I’ll admit to feeling a wave of guilt. Cuz up to that point, I had somehow developed a nagging suspicion that PROFIT was at the top of their priority list.

“So, Jose, earlier today I came in to get one of your $24 oil changes and …”

“And I hope the work was completed to your satisfaction, Mr. Dunn,” Jose chirped.

“Um, yeah. I think so. I mean, the car still runs and all … it’s just, Jose … it’s just, the BILL for the oil change has me a bit flummoxed.”

“How’s that, sir?” “It’s $44.95.” “Uh-huh.” “That’s $20.95 more than advertised.” “OK, Mr. Dunn, let’s not get excited. Let’s see if I can help you,” said Jose, his voice steady, calm, reassuring. Here’s a guy, I thought, who knows how to keep the clientele happy. Certainly Jose would agree that a horrible error had been made, heads would roll down at EZ-JS and that I SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN CHARGED an additional $8 for a “special filter,” $6 for “extra oil” and — most puzzling of all — a $3 “convenience charge.”

Jose asked what type of car I drive, and I told him: A beat-up, old, 6-cylinder BMW. Small. Efficient. Reliable. Only vaguely German, in that Colonel Klink sort of way. Certainly nothing fancy.

“That explains it!” Jose explained. “You see, Mr. Dunn, the $24 oil change is based on a STANDARD VEHICLE, and a BMW is not a standard vehicle.”

“It’s not?” I asked. Nope, it’s not. Apparently, the ACTUAL price of most oil changes in the USA is based on Industry Standards, which were set by MIT-trained engineers measuring the cost of changing the lubrication on a 1976 Huffy bicycle chain … and a girl’s bike at that. Anything else is “extra,” in that kind of way you see those big signs along the interstate promising $18 rooms that turn out to be only slightly more expensive than the Ritz, with the “advertised rate” being for AARP members who belong to AAA and are currently attending AA, and then only if they check in between the non-peak hours between midnight and 4 a.m. while wearing a Nixon mask. You end up paying $44.95 for the room, mostly because the United Nations has declared it an international war crime to screw us up to the magic $45 level.

“One more thing, Jose,” I said. “What’s the ‘convenience charge’ all about? Isn’t E- Z Screw in a Jiffy SUPPOSED to be convenient, without my having to pay extra for it? I mean, really, it just seems kinda … stupid.”

“Oh, no, it’s not stupid, sir,” Jose chuckled. “When it comes to our customers, nothing is stupid.”

Nothing, that is, but the customers.

*Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on September 14, 2002.* [Read the original PDF.](https://s3.us-east-1.amazonaws.com/smdp%5Fbackissues/091402.pdf?ref=smdp.com)