> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://www.smdp.com/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Tough love: Is there any other kind? - URL: https://www.smdp.com/tough-love-is-there-any-other-kind/ - Published: 2002-07-22T15:00:00.000Z - Updated: 2026-10-23T00:33:33.000Z - Author: Dan Dunn - Tags: Opinion, Santa Monica, #archive-import “So I got you this job,” Fisher the Agent told me, “writing a column for a high-profile monthly magazine … they’re gonna pay you $8000 per column!” “Holy shit!” I thought to myself. Eight grand a month to write a column in a high-profile monthly magazine?!!! I can’t believe it! I thought Fisher was too stupid to ever actually secure me a paying gig. “Well,” he continued, “aren’t you gonna say anything?” “I thought you were too stupid to ever actually secure me a paying gig,” I told him. I’m sorry, but he asked. “I know you’re just kidding … so I’ll ignore that.” I wasn’t kidding, but I decided to take the high road. “So, what magazine is it?” I asked. “GQ? Maxim? Playboy?” There was a long, suspicious silence. “Fisher?” “It’s ‘Women’s World Monthly.’” There was another long, suspicious silence. “I’m sorry,” I said finally, “but I thought you said ‘Women’s World Monthly.’ But I know you couldn’t possibly have said ‘Women’s World Monthly,’ cuz what in the hell would I ever be doing writing a column for ‘Women’s World Monthly’?” “Women like quizzes … you can write quizzes, can’t you?” Fisher said nervously. “Think about the money. You need the money. And I need the commission.” At first, all I could think about was throttling Fisher … but then, I started to think about the money. Then, I thought about it some more … and two days later, I dispatched the following fax … TO: The editor, ‘Women’s World Monthly.’ FROM: The FunHog RE: Per our agreement, below is the first installment of the MALE CALL column for WWM. It’s a quiz, like you said you wanted. I hope you enjoy it. TEXT: Presenting the "First (And, Quite Possibly, The Last) FunHog Love Thingy." Please keep a pen and paper handy for scoring purposes, and keep in mind that since I am a male, the quiz is palpably chauvinistic. Ready? Here goes: Q: The best part about having a steady partner is (A) having lots of sex, (B) having lots of sex with someone other than yourself or (C) having lots of sex with someone other than yourself and not having to pay for it. Q: When planning to make love to a woman it is very important to have (A) a condom, (B) a woman or (C) a map. Q: The best time to tell a woman you love her is (A) when you're certain about your feelings, (B) during a romantic dinner or (C) in desperation, at last call. Q: You wake up with a strange woman in your bed whose name you simply cannot remember, you should (A) apologize and ask her name, (B) discreetly try and find a piece of identification or (C) roll with the "honey" and "babe" thing for as long as you can get away with it. Q: Ever since you met the girl of your dreams, your stomach has been tied up in knots, you've been plagued by a chronic, queasy feeling, thinking clearly has become difficult, and you simply cannot get any sleep. Surely this girl has (A) gotten you to fall hopelessly in love with her, (B) that rare, "special something" that drives men mad or (C) given you some bizarre STD that is slowly but surely eating away your innards. Q: When the girl of your dreams eventually realizes that you are a dud and splits, the best thing to do is (A) spend time with good friends who can help you get back on your feet, (B) drive everyone nuts with your interminable rambling about how much you miss her or (C) spend all your time drinking too much in seedy bars and telling women you love them at last call. Q: When you finally do fall in love, it is important to remember (A) that real love is precious and should be honored and cherished, (B) her name or (C) whenever you fall into anything, it usually hurts - a lot. Q: The ideal Valentine's Day gift for the one who "only has eyes for you" is (A) flowers, (B) chocolate or (C) eyeglasses. If you answered A, B or C to any of the above questions, give yourself 10 points, roll up the magazine real tight-like and begin whapping yourself in the head as hard as you can. (I figure at this point, if I could get you to actually complete my inane quiz, I can get you to do anything.) Still with me? Good. Keep that pen in hand because the fun's not over yet. In order to compile data for the purpose of broadening the scope of our collective sexual consciousness, I've also put together a short questionnaire specifically for female readers. In the interest of science, it is imperative that you ladies take the time to complete this survey, print out a copy, and drop it off AS SOON AS POS- SIBLE at Women’s World Monthly headquarters. When you come by be sure and ask for me, and ONLY ME, as this is a TOP SECRET EXPERIMENT, the ramifications of which could somehow alter the earth's axis, cause mass hysteria or something sensational like that. I reiterate, speak to absolutely no one except me - and me alone - when you arrive. And wear something sexy, too. Anyway, here goes: Q: If confronted by a callous, shallow WB Online writer in a bar you should (A) immediately inform him that you are uninterested and kindly ask him to leave you alone, (B) smack him as hard as you can and run for the exit or (C) offer to buy him dinner. Q: You find me, Dan Dunn, (A) repulsive, (B) moderately vile or (C) hotter than summer in Death Valley. In the interest of space, I've limited the survey to only two questions. Once again, please bring your responses by Women’s World Monthly headquarters ASAP. Keep in mind that if you answered (C) to any or all of the above questions, you may be asked to spend some time alone with me, at my home, so that I can perform further "tests." You know, just to see if you do anything weird. (Dan Dunn is a Santa Monica resident and writes for Warner Bros. Online. For more FunHog fun check out thefunhog.com.) *Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on July 22, 2002.* [Read the original PDF.](https://s3.us-east-1.amazonaws.com/smdp%5Fbackissues/072202.pdf?ref=smdp.com)