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# Don’t blame parents, blame the silly name
- URL: https://www.smdp.com/venice-wary-of-corporations/
- Published: 2007-05-17T15:00:00.000Z
- Updated: 2026-10-25T00:03:54.000Z
- Author: Melody Hanatani
- Tags: Opinion, Santa Monica, #archive-import

*By MEREDITH CARROLL*

KIDS CAN BE CRUEL, BUT OFTENTIMES their parents are worse.

Many moms and dads seemingly have subconscious axes to grind from the moment their precious bundles of joy enter the world. How else to explain naming a newborn “A’Dream?”

Calling a child Lisa, Susan, Andrea or Adam, Michael or Scott, for example, doesn’t suffice for some. No, the desire that burns in some parents for their offspring to rise above others in a unique or extraordinary manner frequently begins at birth when they confer upon them inimitable names. However, most times the distinctive monikers are most remarkable only in that they condemn the name-bearers to lifetimes of being forced to spell and/or explain their names.

Take, for instance, Michele with one L... Robyn with a Y... Brie, like the cheese... Shea, as in the stadium.

I enjoy being a Meredith, but the sailing hasn’t always been smooth. The incorrect pronunciations and misspellings are incessant and varied, albeit occasionally creative: Merideth, Marybeth, Meridth, Meredyth, Maredeth, Marydeth, Merth (no, really). Ali, Alli, Allie, Ally, Alyson, Allyson, Alison, and Allison know what I’m talking about.

But at least the state of Arizona put my name on a souvenir license plate and spelled it correctly, giving me one more store-bought personalized souvenir than many others will never possess.

Then there are those who are forever sentenced to being mistaken for members of the opposite gender over the phone or through the mail because of their androgynous names. Am I wrong, Jamie, Pat, Ricky, Dylan, Cory, Lynn, Adrian, Jesse, Kelly, Carson, Jordan, Hayden, Alex, Jackie and Taylor?

And why plague a child with anything that has the possibility of yielding any of the following nicknames: Scooter,Chip or Dick? The year 1952 ended with 1953,which is also when those names became past prime. Besides, no matter what anyone says, when a kid gets called Skippy, it’s never a good thing. Seriously.

If the names Ray,Carl,Wayne or Earl appear on your driver’s license, just turn yourself into the authorities now before the A&E network does a special two-hour “Biography” on your record number of gruesome serial killings.

Some less-than-traditional names are benign, like those taken from street signs — Madison and Cooper. Other innocent tags are inspired by the seasons — Autumn, Winter and Summer. (Sadly and mysteriously, Spring has never made the cut.) The weather stirs others when it comes time to name the kids, hence Sunshine and Rain. (Perhaps Sleet and Humidity will be popular on the next generation of birth certificates.) Growing up, I knew a girl, April, whose younger sisters were named May and June. Rumor has it they had a dog named July. It was kind of cute, in a pukey sort of way.

It’s practically a requirement for celebrities to bestow outlandish names on their kids (e.g. Eddie Van Halen and Valerie Bertinelli \[Wolfgang\], Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin \[Apple and Moses\], Jermaine Jackson \[Jermajesty and Jaafar\], Demi Moore and Bruce Willis \[Rumer, Scout and Tallulah — although she’s having hers legally changed because it’s so damn awful\], Jason Lee \[Pilot Inspektor\], George Foreman \[George Jr., George III, George IV, George V and George VI\]). But most kids of famous parents live in Los Angeles, and, let’s face it, something is mostly weird about everyone in LA. Besides, if your dad is a two-time world heavyweight champion or if your parents collectively display an Oscar and four Grammys on the mantle in the den,chances are slim that anyone will make you give up your favorite swing in the playground or shake you down for milk money.

Report to therapy immediately if your first name is Lester or Tawana, but blaming parents for an unfortunate last name is senseless — surnames are factory-issued and non-refundable. However, do go ahead and wag a finger of reproach at Mom and Dad if they’ve opted to burden you with a hyphenated last name. Hyphenated last names all but guarantee that anyone filling out a form with those little boxes will run out of the little boxes before the spelling is complete. Just pick one last name and go with it.

Nope, a last name can’t be helped, but when it comes to the first name, parents should always heed the immortal wisdom of George Carlin, who said: “Soft names make soft people... I’ll bet you 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinnie and Tony would beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.”

Plain old Bill and Jane are sounding better by the minute, no?

*Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on May 17, 2007.* [Read the original PDF.](https://s3.us-east-1.amazonaws.com/smdp%5Fbackissues/051707.pdf?ref=smdp.com)