Smokers watch butts
By THE NEW GUY Daily Mess Maker
Not to be outdone by their neighbors to the north, the City Council has banned smoking and the sale of tobacco throughout town.
No longer will anyone be allowed to light up within city limits, as the law, passed last night, prohibits smoking cigarettes or pipe tobacco in private residences, businesses as well as all public spaces.
“Take that Calabastards,” Mayor Rob U. Blind said, as he burned a copy of the City of Calabasas’ law outlawing smoking in public places, which went into effect two weeks ago. Calabasas took the lead on the no-smoking issue, as it was the first city in the country to outlaw smoking in public.
“We have a reputation for being on the cutting edge, of going so far that we even we don’t know how we got there,” the mayor said as he choked on smoke from the burning paper in his hand. “There was no way in hell we were going to take a back seat to those snooty S.O.Bs, who just love to copy what we’ve done here. So we beat them to the punch with the most far reaching law imaginable. Put that in your pipe and smoke it — but not in Santa Monica.”
The law goes into effect Monday. Those caught selling or smoking tobacco will be subjected to public stoning, and have their teeth permanently stained a hideous yellow-brown, akin to a scarlet letter, informing the public the violator has no will power and is a slave to big tobacco. Any business found to sell tobacco products or allow smoking will be shut down and converted into a massage parlor, according to the law.
The ban seems to signal the end of a 10-year battle against smoking. Three years ago City Hall prohibited smoking in all public buildings, parks and the beach, following state law enacted to protect against the dangers of second hand smoke. City Hall took the law one step further last year when it banned smoking anywhere outdoors, which had many workers jumping into their cars to light up during coffee breaks.
Some business owners and residents began to open up their doors to smokers, creating smoking clubs where tobacco enthusiasts could pay a monthly membership to sit in cramped, hazy rooms and inhale large amounts of flavored tobacco smoke. The clubs became such a hit, council members said, that second-hand smoke was wafting into the homes of neighbors who didn’t smoke, poisoning their air. Therefore, a stronger law was needed.
Smokers and tobacco shop owners are outraged and said they plan to sue City Hall.
“Where do they get off telling me what I can and cannot sell. I’ve been selling cigars here before most were an inch in their daddy’s pants,” said Ned Gropin, owner of The Fire Trap, Santa Monica’s oldest and most respected supplier of all things tobacco, including rare pipes, ash-trays and lung cancer. “This law is ridiculous, punitive and just what I’d expect from these communists.”
Council members said they approved the law because they wanted to protect the public health, improve air quality and increased tourism by remaining the most progressive beach community in the country.
“We’re not trying to hurt business owners or residents,” said Jan Iware-Blac O’Donner. “We’re trying to get them to give up smoking, improve their quality of life and help business owners transition into a more community-friendly market. Plus we couldn’t let Calabasas steal our thunder. This is our issue. We own it.”
With only two days left before the ban takes effect, some smokers have decided to give up the disgusting habit.
“I’ve quit smoking and started chewing sunflower seeds, see,” Tom Notact said, as he revealed a batch of chewed sunflower seeds stuck on his tongue and the shells stuck in his teeth. “Now I won’t be afraid to approach women because I think they’ll be turned off by the smell of cigarettes. It’s a win-win.”
Other smokers are going nuts. “I don’t know what I’m going to do,” said Paul Mall, who smokes three packs of cigarettes an hour. “I’m going to have to move I guess. Maybe I’ll try chewing tobacco. I hear Skoal is tasty.”
Virginia Slim, a smoker for 36 years, said she is going to smoke regardless of the law. She said no one will tell her what she can do in her own home.
“If I can’t smoke, I will gain 50 pounds and we can’t have that if I am going to continue living on the westside, where your body is everything,” Slim said, sounding like Lucille Ball in her later years. “I’ll smoke on my toilet with all the fans on and 50 Glad Plug-Ins, Lavender Mist.”
Liquor store owners said they have seen a dramatic increase in business as customers have swarmed looking for tobacco. Customers that normally don’t smoke Backwood cigars are buying them by the hundreds because many stores have run out of cigarettes.
Stores outside the city limits have seen an increase as well.
“We’ve got these crazy, sun-tanned yuppies running through here with their flip-flops all clacking, just dying to buy a carton of whatever we got,” said Brad Babasaheb Ambedkar, an employee at a 7-11 in Venice.
There is a concern that some will resort to selling homemade cigarettes, creating an unregulated and potentially dangerous underground market, said City Attorney Sally SoSumee.
“That wouldn’t happen north of Montana Avenue, but there is concern about the rest of the city,” SoSumee said.
Police already have arrested one resident, who resembled the Marlboro Man, for manufacturing cigarettes. Authorities said the cigarettes confiscated contained a deadly mixture of 50 percent imported tobacco from Mexico, and 40 percent recycled Santa Monica Mirror and Westside Chronicle newspapers.
City Hall plans to increase enforcement by diverting state grant money collected from tobacco taxes and investing it into more police officers.
“This may seem crazy now, but in a few years you’ll thank us,” Mayor Blind said. “Think about how many more years you’ll have to enjoy the Santa Monica sunsets.”
Even so, the rent on a studio apartment is $1,500, even south of the 10. Street parking is not included.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2006. Read the original PDF.