EDGE of the WEST
By Ron Scott Smith
■Fox News Channel, purveyor of the cheap shot and the slanted, has sued Al Franken for using the words “fair and balanced” in the title of his new book, claiming they own those words in that combination and nobody else can mess with them. Hmmm. ■A copyright has been granted, giving the Edge of the West column exclusive rights to the phrase “sick and twisted.” ■This recall thing... however problematic, however expensive, however divisive, however “sick and twisted©” is clearly in order. Under his watch, we’ve seen a booming economy with a record surplus fall into a deep jobless swamp, buried beneath a record deficit. He’s a fund-raising gigolo, a master of the art, and spends more time pandering to special interests at $5,000-a-plate dinners than he does at governing. Misinformation, falsified figures and promises made-to-be-broken helped get him elected. He’s a take-no-prisoners, down-and-dirty campaigner who would stop at nothing in the quest to retain power. And when we’re done booting him out of the White House, we can then revisit the California question. ■I was up all night revisiting the California question, studying the Form and doing my handicapping, and after throwing out all the “sick and twisted©” bad actors and artificially breasted blondes it came down to this: Bloodline rules. But just as I’m about to go public with my endorsement of Nathan “White Cloud” Walton as a shot out to his NBA and Hippie Hall of Fame dad, Bill, along comes the news on Arianna. It turns out the Brentwood bazillionairess has never met a loophole she doesn’t like, and has been consistently able to avoid paying taxes on her bazillions, revealing a brilliant personal fiscal policy that leads any clear thinking voter to ask, “who better to captain the sinking ship and turn the red ink into black again?” ■Speaking of captains, better hurry if you want one, the new George W. Bush action figure is selling out fast. It comes with a miniature replica of the American flag autographed by the President in a fit of fund-raising frenzy that had him forgetting that... uh... it’s against the law. The figurine of the President is clothed in the full custom tailored jet-fighter-pilot attire that he wore the day he flew onto the USS Strom Thurmond or whatever it was to declare the war was over.
It takes its rightful place in the storied pantheon of heroic children’s toys, right alongside He-man, She-Ra, GI Joe, Obe Wan Kenobe and that Transformer that turned from a truck into an avenging robot. You can pull a string on the Bush figure’s back and hear him speak timeless inspirations like: “We’re gonna smoke ‘em out of their caves,” and “Bring ‘em on,” and “Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa,” and “I’m embarrassed to be from the same state as the Dixie Chicks.” ■On the heels of the success of the Bush toy, rumor has it that additions to the series are in production. There’s the Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld figure, bearing an uncanny resemblance to Dr. Strangelove. Pull his string and hear “I don’t do quagmires,” and the now famous words of wisdom “We know some things that we do not know. There are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don’t know we don’t know.” Then there’s the Dick “Grim Reaper” Cheney figure which comes with a miniature copy of the “sick and twisted©” $650 million contract given without open bidding to his old firm, Haliburton, to retool the Iraqi- American oil fields. The John Ashcroft “Top Cop” figure completes the set. It comes with a miniature version of the semi-nude Spirit of Justice statue whose bare breasts are covered with miniatures of the real drapes the Attorney General ordered for the Great Hall at the Department of Justice so as not to be embarrassed when he’s in there making America the way God wants it to be. ■Making America the way God wants it to be and saving the world from things like evil and France is a tough gig and must take its toll on those doing the making and the saving. So the heroes of the current administration in Washington might want to consider relocating to Denver when they’re done, where a stress-reduction measure will be on the November ballot. If it passes it will mandate, among other blisses, that soothing Indian music be played in public buildings, less stressful food be served in public cafeterias, and mass meditation focusing on peace and tranquility be offered to all. ■Peace and tranquility appear to be far removed from the remaining 150,000 or so American troops in our new 51st state. Sweltering underneath bulletproof vests and metal helmets, through the tortuous Iraqi summer, they’re being picked off daily, like ducks-sitting-in-a-row, by the Weapons of Individual Destruction that were apparently overlooked in the obsessive search for those storied bigger and badder ones. With a peace like this, who needs a war? Funny how the dreaded concept of gun control here in the US has become a crucial mission of the nation-builders in Iraq. Be careful what you don’t want. But give credit where credit is due — a country is liberated. And soon they’ll be free to elect their very own radical, fundamentalist, death-to-America regime. We’re safer now, a lot safer now. You say Qusay, I say Huday, sing a happy tune. They’re “out of business,” said a triumphant Bush. Terror-alert-color-code red is nowhere in sight and America breathes easier, except for that little while when a giant blown fuse left 50 million people in the dark while the President was in our neighborhood raising more campaign money from the guys making and selling the giant fuses that break. ■Fair and balanced. Fair and balanced. Fair and balanced. There. Used it three times without permission. So sue me Fox. You’ll probably find me chilling somewhere over in “sick and twisted©” Denver. (Ron Scott Smith can be sick and twisted, as well as fair and balanced whenever he feels like it. To reach him, e-mail to)
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on August 21, 2003. Read the original PDF.