By Vickie Falcone
Study after study has concluded that “connectedness” is the single most important factor in a child’s success and happiness. Yet it’s easy to fall short of connecting emotionally with our children and each other. That’s because our society places little value on it, and we don’t realize how powerful and crucial it is to our children’s well-being.
You can experience three levels of presence or connecting with your child. In order to spend most of your time at the highest level, it’s helpful to be able to recognize the less-than-optimal levels. The levels are: ■Low-level connecting: At this level, you’re “there, but not there.” Your physical body might be in the room, but your mind is miles away thinking things like, “did I remember to put dog biscuits on the grocery list?” or “how do I want my hair cut tomorrow?” ■Medium-level connecting: At this mid-level of connecting, you’re “there with your agenda.” You may be quite present, but you’re not open to the possibility of fully connecting with your child because you already have a goal in mind. Some activities that constitute a medium-level connection include shopping, driving, going to a movie, running errands and doing various family activities planned by the parents.
Medium-level connecting is certainly an improvement over low-level connecting, and many medium-level activities are great fun, or absolutely necessary. I’m not at all suggesting that you abandon these types of activities. The problem happens when we mistake medium-level connection for high-level connection. ■High-level connecting: In the strongest level of connecting, you are “there with their agenda.” You’re fully present, making the current moment the most important thing on your agenda. No parent can operate in high-level connecting mode all the time. However, if you want a strong relationship with your child and the rich rewards that closeness brings, aim to connect at this level as often as possible.
A DAY AT THE POOL: THREE LEVELS OF CONNECTING Here’s an everyday example of how the same event can lead to very different levels of connection.
Low-level connecting: You head to the pool with your children with the thought that maybe you can have some fun, catch up on your reading and squeeze in a quick coat of polish on your toes while the kids are preoccupied. Halfway in to your second coat of polish, your children whine for the third time, “Mom, come in the pool with us.” Near the end of the day you jump in the pool for a few minutes to appease their demands.
Medium-level connecting: Your children ask you to come in the pool a few times, and though you mean well, you end up talking for half an hour with a friend who has just returned from a two-month trip across Europe. “Stop interrupting,” you say to your 5-year-old who is intermittently chanting, “Mom, Mom, Mom …” Later, you jump in the pool and have a great time playing Marco Polo while sharing the details of your friend’s trip with everyone in your family.
High-level connecting: You head the pool intending to connect as a family. The children ask you to get in the pool right away and though you had hoped to read a short magazine article, you enthusiastically join them. After playing some pool games, you spot your friend who has just returned from her trip to Europe. “I have so much to tell you!” she exclaims. “I can’t wait to hear all about it,” you say, “I’m in the middle of an important game of Marco Polo right now. Shall I call you tonight?”
When a child feels that you are truly present with him during an activity or interaction, even just a few times each day, everyone benefits. The rewards are great — a decrease in misbehavior and a closeness with your child that is irreplaceable. (Vickie Falcone speaks nationally and is the author of “Buddha Never Raised Kids and Jesus Didn’t Drive Carpool: Seven Principles for Parenting with Soul” (Jodere, 2003). She spoke this past weekend at Agape Spiritual Center in Culver City).
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 20, 2004. Read the original PDF.