By SKINNY FRESHMAN A special slave to the Daily Planet
The fight between the haves and have nots gets more bitter with each passing year.
And this year is no exception. The Third Annual Class Bash is set to divide the community more than it already is.
Last year Santa Monicans Everywhere are Always Right (SMEAR) came down hard on The Angry Rich, but neither side is backing away from the bitter battle between the classes.
The traditional “West Side Story” style street brawl became a tradition two years ago in the First Annual Class Bash as a way to continue deepening Santa Monica’s already-entrenched divisions. Although he wasn’t involved in local issues, City Councilman Bobby Coniver has been credited with creating the annual event. The first Class Bash was held on his street — Adelaide Drive, where the Angry Rich obliterated SMEAR with their weapons of choice —German luxury cars.
SMEAR was able to trample The Angry Rich last year with reasoning and logic from the front, and a surprise smattering of fried tofu from the back.
“Sure, their pitiful whining had some merit,” said Penny Inheritance. “But if it is that damned tofu that got us last year, we won’t be surprised again.”
After much uproar from The Angry Rich concerning cheap tactics on the part of SMEAR, new rules were instated this year.
Both sides will assemble, medieval style, and form their ranks. SMEAR will be shielding themselves with protest signs and wielding shovels from their organic gardens. The Angry Rich are expected to come in full body armor, complete in seasonal colors and cashmere lining. They will be catapulting Prada bags at their long-time foes. But they will still utilize their luxury cars, and possibly throw in a few Hummers this year.
The Third Annual Class Bash will take place at dawn Saturday. The two sides will face off on Ocean Avenue, where one side will claim victory again — once and for a little while. A member of SMEAR — who bares a strange resemblance to Mel Gibson — is expected to charge the line screaming, “You can take our women, but you can’t take our rent-controlled hoooouuuussssiiiiiiinnnng.”
SMEAR is not frightened by the new determination of The Angry Rich.
“So what if they’ve got their fancy pants on,” said Maya Cause. “We’ve got a strategic think-tank comprised of gays, vegans, anarchists, socialists, rockers, poets, and the clinically insane — we’re pretty sure we can secure the title.”
And although such a fight might make it appear that something is wrong in Santa Monica, city officials say everything is fine.
“I don’t have any information about that but I can tell you everything is peachy in this city by the sea,” said City Hall public information officer Trudy Ramblinon.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2005. Read the original PDF.