LA litmus test: Have they gotten to you too?
By IN LA BY HEIDI MANTEUFFEL
A group of my friends went to see “Shaun of the Dead” for my roommate’s birthday Friday night. Although it’s not the movie I’d want to see after a 24-hour bout with stomach flu, she seemed to really enjoy the film, and so did I.
With characters singing to zombies and staking out a local pub, “Shaun of the Dead” is the funniest horror movie I’ve ever seen. But I couldn’t help being swept up in the pseudo zombie world an hour so afterwards. Usually after a good horror flick, I double-check the deadbolt, search the closet, under the bed and in the shower, which is something I will never understand. This time, though, as we got out of the car to go to Swingers, I was obsessed with watching how people walked. I wanted to make sure they weren’t zombies who were going make me a part of the living dead, because let’s be honest, I’d rather not be.
But as we sat there sipping chocolate shakes, staring at the swinging patrons of Swingers, it made me wonder if I wasn’t turning into something from an entirely different epidemic.
I’ve lived in LA for five years now. I’ve had an apartment in Malibu, Calabasas and now Santa Monica. I’ve traversed on every highway known to California man. Is it possible without my knowing that some of LA has rubbed off on me?
At first it was obvious from my long braids and fresh-off-the prairie look that I wasn’t from here. However, later when I’d come home for Christmas and friends would see me in my camel leather jacket with muppet collar, I’d invariably get comments along this line: “You are so LA.”
I should have seen some of the warning signs, like wearing Uggs inside the house due to thinned-out blood cells. Just like in “Shaun of the Dead,” there are ways to determine if someone is a zombie, so I’m going to find out right now if I’ve been bitten. Feel free to take the LA litmus test with me, and share your results with loved ones. It’s only fair they know.
Please fill in each answer truthfully and appropriately. 1. You have blonde hair: I’m German and Norwegian — it’s not my fault. 2. You drive a luxury car: No. 3. You want a luxury car: No. 4. You are exercise oriented: I’ve always been. 5. You own Uggs, or something made by Von Dutch, Juicy, Roxy or Quiksilver: Yes. 6. You own jeans more expensive than $50: No comment. 7. You have a California license: Yes. 8. You go to the beach often: No. 9. You know more about movies and film than before you moved to LA: Yes. 10. You freeze to death when you go anywhere north of California: I like wearing five pairs of socks at once, thank you. 11. Girls: Wear high heels with cuffed jeans. Guys: Wear pastel shirts: Yes and yes. 12. You are willing to spend $10-$15 for parking: Yeah … no. 13. You have become a more aggressive driver. Lady in the blue Volvo station wagon, you were right. 14. You talk on the cell phone in restaurants or public events: I’m not inconsiderate cell phone user. 15. You make “exciting” weekend plans to avoid an embarrassing answer to the question, “what did you do this weekend:” No. 16. You practice that religion Madonna does: No. 17: You slip Madonna or any celebrity you’ve seen into everyday conversation: It happens naturally. 18: You have increased your soy intake: I’m allergic to milk so BACK OFF. 19: You not only know what tofu is but you eat it: Not that often … 20. Someone in your family is a vegetarian, vegan, or on the Atkins diet: No.
Tally up the number of questions you answered yes and divide the number by 20. Any number over 75 percent means you are positive with the LA Bug.
OK, I’m checking my results — holy crap — 65 percent positive. How did I become nearly infected without even knowing? Grant it an allergy to milk and having the name Heidi isn’t my fault, the rest are a clear warning sign — I’m nearly bitten with the LA Bug.
Being from the Midwest, I’d like to point out that I still wear pig-tails and say “goh on da boat” when really tired. I strike up pleasant conversations with strangers, which is totally uncouth. I still eat at KFC on Sundays, buy toilet paper in bulk, and refuse to wear winter accessories above 40-degree weather. Doesn’t that count for anything?
And of course, there’s nothing wrong with being from LA, it’s just surprising when it creeps up on you. (Heidi is an advertising account executive, freelance writer and lover of pug dogs. To contact her, ).
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on October 5, 2004. Read the original PDF.