MUCH HAS BEEN MADE OF NONPARTISAN ballots in Los Angeles County that were cast incorrectly in last Tuesday’s California primary. Nonpartisans, or Independents, were allowed to crossover and vote in the state’s Democratic primary, but tens of thousands of these voters neglected to punch out a bubble indicating they were voting in either this primary or The American Independent Primary.
At many polling stations, proper instructions were not provided for filling out the ballots. Some have said that the design of the ballot did not make it obvious that a selection needed to be made. Independent voters are steamed that a ridiculous technicality (after all, a scant percentage have even heard of The American Independent Party much less actually desired to vote for its obscure candidates instead of Obama or Clinton) nullified their vote.
“It seems like they added a question just for the heck of it. As if there wasn’t enough red tape and confusion with the process already,” complained Jane Wilder, of Santa Monica.
In fact, in the course of investigating the issue, Political Playhouse discovered that L.A. County actually plans to add a rash of brain-teasing questions that have nothing to do with politics to the ballot for the general election in November. “Maximum complexity and confusion, that’s the goal,” claimed an unidentified source in the L.A. County’s registrar’s office. “Voters will have to answer each and every one of these riddles before they can vote for president. Infuriating, huh? In case you haven’t noticed, our job is to gum up the gears of life for our citizens.”
Here are the questions voters will have to answer: ■ Are you a sentient being? Yes [ ] or No [ ] ■ Are you an oxygen-breathing mammal?
Yes [ ] or No [ ] ■ Have you descended from Homo Erectus?
Yes [ ] or No [ ] ■ Do you reside in a three dimensional spatial plane commonly known as “reality?”
Yes [ ] or No [ ] ■ Do you prefer reality television [ ] or real reality (your existence) [ ]? ■ Boxers [ ] or Briefs [ ]? ■ When did you lose your virginity? Too early [ ] or too late [ ]? ■ Do you have any dark, untold secrets that are eating away at the fabric of your soul?
Yes [ ] or No [ ] ■ Are you filled with crushing dread upon waking each day because of your hideous inadequacies?
Yes [ ] or No [ ] ■ Can you read? Yes [ ] or No [ ] ■ Are you willing to admit you aren’t good at life?
Yes [ ] or No [ ] ■ Seriously, what’s wrong with you? I know [ ] or I don’t know [ ] ■ Is it possible Mommy and Daddy never loved you?
Yes [ ] or No [ ] ■ Are you sweating, you paranoid freak?
Do you feel like everyone in this polling station is staring at you?
Yes [ ] or No [ ] ■ What if there was a secret camera in this booth, and all your selections on this ballot were being broadcast live on the JumboTron at the Staples Center?
I care [ ] or I don’t care [ ] ■ Are these questions screwing royally with your head?
Yes [ ] or No [ ] ■ Tastes Great [ ] or Less Filling [ ] ■ Who’s on first (fill in the blank)? ■ Getting back to the poor choices you’ve made in life.
I know [ ] or I don’t know [ ] ■ Are you afraid your computer might melt because of the amount of pornography you view?
Yes [ ] or No [ ] ■ Why do you keep stealing office supplies from work?
I know [ ] or I don’t know [ ] ■ Remember that time in your 20s when you thought you could make it as an actor? Ha, ha! You thought somebody would actually pay you to act in movies and stuff! I care to remember [ ] I don’t [ ] ■ If you really think about it, there’s a good chance your spouse/significant other is cheating on you, huh?
Yes [ ] or No [ ] ■ Do you have a problem with prescription medicine? Be honest!
Yes [ ] or No [ ] ■ Are you learning more about yourself than you’d care to know?
Yes [ ] or No [ ] ■ Do you wish you’d just stayed home and avoided this godforsaken election altogether?
Yes [ ] or No [ ] Read more of NICK MOCKIAVELLI’S satire at Mockiavelli.com. He
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on February 14, 2008. Read the original PDF.