By — Dorie
Dear Dorie, What do you think of rewards for good behavior? Aren’t they the same thing as bribes? I have four children and I find that I’m relying on the “rewards” a lot more for the younger two. Are there any other options? — Payola Mama Dear Mama, It’s a fact. The younger children in the family are parented in very different ways, no matter how consistent you try to be. When it comes to rewards, however, the same rules apply to all children.
Ask yourself: are you starting the phrase with “if” as in “If you clean up the blocks, I’ll give you a cookie?” That’s a bribe. And let’s be clear, if you’re offering a cookie at 2 years of age, you should be to the Porsche by 16.
If, however, you’re rewarding good behavior with legitimate praise, you’re right on track for “Mommy of the Year.” The key is walking that very fine line. Praise must be specific as in “You played a great game of soccer. I liked your passing technique.” Praise also must be non-manipulative. Avoid those back-handed compliments, “You played a great game of soccer, now next time you should …”
There are always those wonderful parenting moments where you can gush over their beauty and brains in vague and sappy comments, but children are smart. They know real praise when they feel it, and with enough of it, the good behavior comes naturally. (Dorie Meek is director of the Infant & Family Support Program, provided by Saint John’s Health Center in partnership with the Santa Monica-Malibu Unified School District. Submit your questions to “Dear Dorie” at, or call (310) 452-6132; fax (310) 452-6392).
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on May 24, 2005. Read the original PDF.