IT’S BEEN OVER A MONTH SINCE I’VE written about politics. Curiously, the readers who disagree with my views the most seem to miss the chance to send me less than flattering e-mails, some of which start,“You’re an idiot.”
I began this hiatus with a column on procrastination, which I had been putting off. It was followed by UCLA’s quest for the NCAA basketball championship and the next week about their demise. Of the seven stages of grief, I’m currently at five.
Then came a column on my screenwriting misadventures, and last week was about a possible smoking ban in apartment building common areas (And my personal pet peeve, cigar smokers, which is hardly political unless it’s Fidel Castro. Marx was also a cigar smoker, Groucho, not Karl).
So why the change? Kevin Herrera, the Daily Press editor in chief,and I had a meeting about where I’d like to see my column go in the coming years. When it became clear syndication to the “New Yorker” was not a realistic option, Kevin suggested that, for the time being, maybe I should write more personal and less political. He noted that in one edition three columnists criticized George Bush.
I almost repeated what Cheney said when he told 70 percent of America is against the war — “So?” But actually, I agreed with Kevin’s point. On the way home, however, something was nagging at me.And no,I’m not married.
On Kevin’s desk there had been a New York Times. What if Times columnist Maureen Dowd was behind all of this? I know it sounds paranoid but she and I do work the same side of the street. Granted, she has a million more readers than I do, and in 1999 she won a Pulitzer Prize or whatever. But let’s face it, 1999 was a while ago, and she only won one Pulitzer (Meaning if I win one, we’re even).
Yes, I have a gut feeling Mo is looking over her shoulder.Maybe she was out here on vacation and read my column about how Bush’s pretzel choking almost changed history.
She might have thought,“I’m slipping,why didn’t I think of that?” Either way, as Arnold said in “The Terminator,” I’m back.
This week Bush’s rebate checks start to go out in the mail. Here’s how it works. We send in our taxes to the government and they send a tiny fraction back to us, to basically give to Bush’s oil friends. W even suggested we use the rebate to buy gas and groceries. With gas at $4 a gallon, that’s assuming we can afford both.
At a press conference months ago, a reporter asked Bush about gas going over $4 a gallon this spring.
Bush was busy smirking but suddenly did a double take. “What did you say?” The reporter repeated his question and a bewildered W said,“Well, that’s news to me.”
During Bush’s two terms a lot of things have been “news” to him, which has been bad news for the world.But still,in 2001,if you had told me that during the next seven years the following would happen: Record surpluses would become record deficits; the American dollar would be worth less than the Canadian; we’d be in the sixth year,stuck in the middle of an endless civil war that costs us $3 billion a week; that gas would go from $1.39 to over $4 and wheat and rice would double in cost, I might have told you to consider medications.
Or, if you had told me: We wouldn’t catch Bin Laden; it’s five years since “Mission Accomplished;” during Katrina bodies would float in the streets while Bush eats birthday cake with John McCain in Arizona and Condi shops for shoes in Manhattan; Bush would veto veterans benefits and child health care bills; 81 percent of the country would say we are headed in the wrong direction and Cheney says,“So?”and that Bush would actually say to the Pope, “Thank you, your Holiness, awesome speech,” I would have said you need to get your meds adjusted. Okay, I added the “dude” part, but go to YouTube and type in “awesome speech.”
With the war dragging on, the failing economy, record foreclosures, the bitter Democratic nomination race (or as I call it, “There Will Be Mud”) and a possible long, hot, global warming summer ahead, some are predicting 2008 will be like 1968.With Bush at the helm, I just hope it isn’t like 1929.
Actually, politics these days is so depressing that next week I may go back to writing more personal material. I really didn’t finish with cigars. For example, have you ever known a “humble” cigar smoker? I wonder if Gandhi smoked a cigar. See? You just don’t get these types of insights from Maureen Dowd.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on May 2, 2008. Read the original PDF.