BE A JOINER. NOT EXACTLY SECOND nature to some of us gays who were shunned from the crowd so much of our adolescence. I recently received an e-mail from someone who bemoaned the obstacles of meeting quality people in the gay community. And I sympathize. Really. I think L.A. is often that place of so many people, no time. Everyone’s running; on a schedule, stuck in traffic, on the cell, meeting here, lunching there. Who has the time? Well. It’s a great excuse.
When I graduated college, I entered the toughest year of my life. My friends? Oh, they all left. San Francisco. Austin. Boston. Going, going, gone. And I found myself — an ex-fraternity boy used to having 60 people around the house — all alone. Thank God for “Gilmore Girls.” Worse, I hated being gay. All my straight friends were on the Donna Reed track. I resented their lives. Full. Dating was easy for them. Relationships were second nature. They’d been doing it for years. But gay people don’t date. We screw. It’s totally different. And when you haven’t even done that... oh, boy. So here I was, a lonely, twenty-something college graduate with no career, no money, and no prospects. I felt like Mary Tyler Moore in season one. So I decided. I would do a sport!
Against my better, more grounded judgment, I went about trying to find a sports team that would take on a clumsy, emo twink with few skills, save for a svelte eyebrow pluck on occasion, who had never run a field or swam a true lap in his life. And I found myself amongst the greatest group of guys who took me in and truly became the brothers I had wished my fraternity bros had become. West Hollywood Water Polo. I was thrilled. Except for one thing … who the heck knew water polo was so hard!
I was on the team for a little over three years. But joining that league changed my entire social life. I had somewhere to go. Likewise, after my breakup last year, I again sought the comforts of a group, and now volunteer at the Trevor Project. It’s a wonderful organization that supplies the only 24/7 nationwide suicide help line for gay and questioning youth. It’s cool, and I’ve met several outstanding people who have become dear friends.
The moral of the story? Join things. Get out there. Clubs and bars are fine. But think outside of the box. Quality lurks. There are places where cool gays roam.
MARK MARCHILLO is a freelance filmmaker and all-together nice guy living in Santa Monica. Send comments or suggestions regarding his column to
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on February 1, 2008. Read the original PDF.