By SACKASOMETHING Daily Planet Slave
Realizing he’s over his head, City Councilman Bobby Coniver has called in the cavalry.
Calls were placed to Kennedybuckport this week in a last ditch plea from Coniver to come help bail him out of the political nightmare he’s been living since he took office in December.
“I thought I was going to be able to make a difference here but then I realized that I’ve become one of them,” Coniver said from his new home in the Pico neighborhood, where he’s been trying to cleanse the troubled area for the past month. “Politics sure isn’t what I thought it was going to be, I should have listened to Uncle Teddy.”
On Thursday morning, Arnold, Teddy, Maria, Bobby Jr. and Caroline were seen riding into town on white horses, waiving the American flag and chanting “One for all and all for one!”
Political observers were wary of Coniver’s ability to make a difference early on in the campaign.
“A name will only get you so far but I figured with his connections, it won’t matter,” said longtime political activist Inew Iwasright. “And now I know my assumptions were correct.”
Sources close to the family said they’ll shack up at old Marion Davies Estate on the beach, where Coniver was able to convince the state government to spend its last few hundred million to redevelop it into a castle.
“It’s fit for royalty now,” said city historian Reece Memberme. “It’s fitting that that mansion be used by all generations of America’s royal family. Nobody else deserves it but them.”
City officials and residents weren’t surprised by the move.
“Ever since he was elected four months ago, Coniver has shown signs of wear and tear,” said Santa Monica Ditzy Speared. “But if there is one thing he has done for me, Coniver made me care about the petty and trivial things this city is all about. Before, all I cared about was strutting my stuff for the paparazzi in Palisades Park and my stupid little dog.”
Despite the political rescue, everything still appears to be fine in Santa Monica.
“I don’t have any information about that but I can tell you that everything is peachy in this city by the sea,” said City Hall public information officer Trudy Ramblinon.
The first order of business for Camelot will be to protect Coniver from the harsh realities of the political arena. He will be shielded from public comment, criticism from his colleagues and granted immunity from any ill-conceived decisions he’s made thus far.
“Clearly, he didn’t know what he was doing and that’s probably my fault for not spending more time with him, grooming him for office,” Uncle Teddy said while sipping a martini from the rooftop deck of his newly acquired mansion, where his brother once frolicked decades ago.
For years Camelot had been Coniver’s ultimate reprieve, a tapestry of resources and fond memories when could look back on a time that was before his trouble with hedges.
The second priority for Coniver is tutoring the newbie on basic PR 101.
“Never refer to an idea, agenda item or citizen as a ‘thing,’” Coniver’s tutor said as they drank Zimas on Camelot’s balcony and played Uno.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2005. Read the original PDF.