By Linda Milo Guest Commentary
SITTING ON A PARK BENCH THE OTHER day, I heard a mother speaking with outraged tones with another mother. She was talking about a third mom who she said, “Was a bad mother.” A day later I had coffee with a friend of mine who told me that her daughter-in-law was a “terrible mother” to her adopted year-old child.
“She’s just not bonding with him, she doesn’t have enough food in the house,” and on and on. That set me to thinking about mothering and specifically about the sacred ideal that there is a perfect way to nurture the young. The belief states that if a woman deviates from being perfect, that somehow makes her a “bad” mother?
There are tons of studies that tell mothers how to behave and what to do for their children. Years ago we were instructed to start solid foods at 3 weeks of age, use disposable diapers, and always keep your baby in the crib and not in your bed at night. Now we are told that solid foods shouldn’t start until after 9-months-old, cloth diapers are best, and it’s really OK for your baby to sleep with you. The very latest studies rarely agree with one another because frankly if they did, there would be no money given out to actually do the studies, and then there wouldn’t be any money in writing books on the subject.
Anyway, most of us survived our childhood. Some of us complain and point out our parent’s mistakes and then state that we would never do that to our child! We promise that things will be different. I guess we could say we are fighting off bad mothering when we talk like this, but is there such a thing as “bad” mothering?
The term bad mothering shouldn’t be applied to a young mom when she doesn’t use disposable diapers or is using formula instead of breastfeeding her baby. Bad mothering is not giving your baby a cookie to just shut up her whining. Nor is it allowing the baby to sleep in bed with her parents, even while they make love.
There are bad mothers, no doubt about it. Mothers who neglect their children, stuff a pillow over his head so that you don’t have to listen to his whimpers, mothers who abandon their child on street corners because they don’t want to put up with them anymore, and those mothers who twist their child’s arm until it snaps.
Bad mothers? Absolutely. But most of us are not bad mothers. Mothers in the Western world at some point stopped trusting their instincts and began to listen to doctors whose advice was from books and studies that told us how to be good mothers. And while this was going on, we began to betray one another — setting up rules for what was considered good mothering. Mother’s would sit together and discuss the ignorant woman down the street who bottle fed her baby from birth, while smugly nodding that they were superior because they breastfed their child for years.
Or mothers would have a cup a tea and roll their eyes about their neighbor who quit her high-profile job so that she could stay home with her child and finger paint all day. They then congratulated themselves on their excellent luck in picking the greatest nanny to take care of their child. Look at me! I am the better mother! And when I am surrounded by other mothers who feel the same way, then I know for sure that my choice is the best.
Why do this?
Every woman can feel confident in her own mothering choices. Why does a mother need to criticize and scorn another mother because they chose differently? Have you found yourself today,in your mind,criticizing another mother?
Stop — just stop and ask yourself truly if she is a “bad” mother? Does she abuse her child? Neglect her child? Think about what is coming out of your mouth.
None of us is perfect. Mothering is a daily education, where all of us are learning how to “do it” and how to get better at it. We all make mistakes. So instead of attacking and criticizing the next mother, why not start feeling more confident in yourself and look to your own children — instead of judging another. Mothers should try supporting each other. We seem to always find the bad about another mother, but it takes a good heart to find something good. So go find something good about another mother and tell her so! Make her day! And once that happens, we all become better mothers.
LINDA MILO is “The Parent-Child Connection Coach.” For more information, visit www.empoweringparentsnow.com. To book a free parent coaching session, write
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 3, 2007. Read the original PDF.