I CONFESS, I BARELY WATCHED THE Republican National Convention. At my age I can’t take too much excitement. Some said it was riveting, inspiring and 40 million Americans saw it on TV. Whoops. Sorry, that was the Democratic National Convention.
I’m still trying to understand the qualifications of Sarah Palin, the former Miss Alaska runner-up in 1984. I hope she’s VP runner-up in 2008. Frankly, it’s scary to think of her as commander in chief. To reassure everyone, a team of foreign policy experts is going to coach her about … the world! She does seem inquisitive, given her statement, “What does a vice president do anyway?”
McCain’s impulsive (and poorly vetted) nomination is reminiscent of George H.W. Bush’s vice presidential nomination of Dan Quayle in 1988. Pundits said Quayle, “looked like a surprised game show contestant.” He is best remembered for comparing himself to JFK during the debate. Lloyd Benstsen responded, “Sir, I served with Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.”
Five months before the 1992 election, Quayle stepped in it again, at a sixth grade spelling bee in New Jersey. William Figueroa, 12, had correctly spelled “potato.” Quayle insisted William to add an “e,”making it “pota-toe.”The boy reluctantly complied.
Instantly,Quayle became the butt of jokes of late-night talk show hosts. Meanwhile, William was on David Letterman, endorsed a spelling video game, and led the pledge of allegiance at the 1992 Democratic convention. In Puerto Rico, home of his grandparents, he was a hero known as El Rey de la Papa — the Potato King.
The GOP has a history of horrible vice presidents. There was Nixon, who became the only president to ever resign.And Spiro Agnew,who became the only vice president to ever resign, charged with extortion, bribery and tax evasion.
At the top of the VP Hall of Shame is Dick Cheney, who gave us an unnecessary war, torture, secret prisons and warrantless wiretap-ping.Cheney is also the first VP to shoot someone since Aaron Burr did it in 1804. Burr was also a Republican.
Having focused so heavily on Obama’s inexperience, it’s puzzling why McCain selected Palin. Unless you count her Miss Congeniality title, she has zero foreign policy credentials. As Bill Maher joked, “When her phone rings at 3 a.m., it’s about a moose kicking over a trash can.” She’s only been out of the country once. In 2000,Bush had only been out of the country twice, to Mexico and China when his dad was ambassador there,a country W.called “boring.”
McCain must have a thing for beauty contestants. His first wife was, and so was Cindy, who almost was again. At a recent biker rally, McCain volunteered Cindy for the “Miss Buffalo Chip” pageant, joking, “She could be the only woman to serve as both the first lady and Miss Buffalo Chip.”
Maybe “pageant” isn’t the right word. You see the Miss Buffalo Chip competition features topless contestants who perform simulated sex acts on stage. Yikes! Clearly, McCain didn’t know. Then again, he thought Pakistan and Iraq shared a border. That’s like thinking the U.S. and Panama share a border. Though, if global warming continues unabated, we may.
When I did tune into the Republican National Convention, I noticed no one seemed to mention Bush’s name. Also, there were so many empty seats I thought it was a Clippers game.Palin proved adept at mudslinging as her handsome family looked on, including her pregnant daughter’s boyfriend. Gov. Palin is adamantly opposed to sex education and believes in abstinence only. Apparently her daughter didn’t get the memo.
Bush and Cheney said they didn’t attend the RNC because of Hurricane Gustav,but I have a feeling it was their poll numbers.Cheney’s at 18 percent, the same number of people who think Elvis is still alive. Others missing included Sen. Larry Craig,whose last visit to St.Paul involved a bathroom encounter with the vice squad. I also didn’t see Sen. Ted (“Bridge to Nowhere”) Stevens of Alaska who’s a friend of Sarah Palin. Sen. Stevens was probably busy preparing for his upcoming corruption trial. Ex- Congressman Foley (page scandal) wasn’t there and neither were ex-Congressmen Duke Cunningham and Bob Ney. But they had a good excuse — they’re in jail.You need a prison scorecard to keep track of Republicans these days.
There’s less than two months left of the campaign, which I’m naming “There will be mud.” On a lighter note, guess who’s rumored in contention for “Dancing with the Stars?” Dan Quayle! I hope he dances better than he spells.
Off camera, top Republican strategist Mike Murphy called the Palin nomination “political b.s.” McCain clearly played the chick card to get Hillary voters. In the VP debate, Joe Biden should say, “Governor, I served with Hillary Clinton and you’re no Hillary Clinton.”
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on September 5, 2008. Read the original PDF.