By SETH BARNES online at www.voterswrite.org or drop a line to
AS WE BARREL TOWARDS THE IOWA caucuses on Jan. 3 and the New Hampshire primary on Jan. 8, it’s become clear that technology is going to play a bigger role in this presidential election than ever before. Most noticeably, many candidates — from Democratic front-runners Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama to Internet sensation Ron Paul — have begun to use On Demand Positions, a micro-processor installed in the brain that allows them to genuinely support popular positions on a person-by-person basis depending on that individual’s innermost wants, desires and needs.
For instance, if Hillary Clinton was talking to a pacifist about her vote authorizing use of force in Iraq, On Demand Positions would prompt Ms. Clinton to promise an immediate drawback of the armed forces upon her election. She also might agree to create a Department of Peace and spearhead a movement to release a flock of doves from the Oval Office balcony every afternoon in the spirit of unity, harmony and non-confrontation.
“It really depends where you set the dial on the device,” said Joe McSweeney, Senior Product Manger for On Demand Positions.
Many would claim that politicians already possess the chameleon-like ability to be all things to all people. They seemingly make more promises than they can keep.
“The power of this program is very subtle,” explains McSweeney. “The average politician knows how to schmooze and vainly suck up to anyone who can give them the slightest edge in their unending quest for power. But this takes a toll. Deep down, they know they can’t live up to the vision they’ve promised. On Demand Positions does away with this guilt. It allows the candidate to genuinely believe 100% in the issue at hand. It gives them conviction and makes them convincing, charming and empathetic. If we weren’t in the United States, we’d call this type of person a total authoritarian megalomaniac. But our system of Democratic Freedom or whatever totally prevents that worst-case scenario. There’s no mess whatsoever.”
But wait, there’s more. The cynic might suggest that On Demand Positions completely serves the interests of the politician, without regard for the 300 million citizens who elected officials actually serve.
No worries, claims McSweeney. “Take a look at the on demand world we live in. We all want customized and individualized attention and solutions. iPods, social networking sites, search engines, TiVo... the world is moving to a model to provide us exactly what we want, when we want it. At the end of the day, all we really care about is the image flickering in front of us. Is that image making us happy? Are we able to have a little happy, laughy time? Can we just have some entertainment, anything interesting, to help stave off our inevitable, mysterious spiral into the limitless yawn of eternity? In that sense, On Demand Positions allows the voter to get what they want from the candidate, even if deep down what they really want is a hollow promise providing short-term satisfaction... like a sugar rush for your soul.”
While McSweeney wouldn’t comment on adoption of On Demand Positions, there is widespread speculation that President Bush has begun to use the application. With the recent revelation that Iran suspended nuclear weapon production 3-4 years ago, Bush pressed on with what the public wanted to hear: That we are in a mortal struggle of good (us) vs. evil (nameless Islamist fascists) that resembles a “Rocky” movie. And unless we treat our adversaries in the Middle East like they’re a thuggish boxer with a bad buzz-cut, our patriotism and liberty are at risk.
“Think about how past elections would have been changed with On Demand Positions,” speculated McSweeney. “Howard Dean wouldn’t have screamed because he would have known the average voter would think him a freakshow. John Kerry would never have saluted the crowd to open the Democratic Convention because he would have known he was acting like a total buffoon. We would have gotten what we wanted.”
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on December 6, 2007. Read the original PDF.