SO THIS IS CHRISTMAS? AND WHAT have they done?
By SETH BARNES blogs at www.voterswrite.org. He
How about this doozy: This morning at a joint press conference, the secretaries of state from Iowa and New Hampshire announced that they were canceling Christmas, effective immediately.
Iowa Secretary of State Lee Murphy somberly leaned into the podium and announced the bad news.
“We’d love for everyone to be able to gather around the tree with loved ones and hot chocolate on December 25th,” said Murphy, with tears brimming in his eyes, “but the fact remains that voters just haven’t made up their minds. They need to devote more time to the important process of deciding who our next president is going to be. As of now, I’ve directed law enforcement to enter private residences and remove all forms of Christmas cheer: Tins of cookies, Christmas trees, stockings and presents, advent calendars, cinnamon sticks, fluffy red reindeer sweaters, and that ridiculously cheesy elf village that grandma insists on putting up each year. We’ll also be confiscating sugar plums, if in fact anybody in the modern world still consumes such a seemingly disgusting food item. We’ve also been working with the major television networks, and they’ve agreed to suspend all Christmas programming, instead playing political ads on a rotating loop from all the major candidates 24 hours a day. I’m Lee Murphy, and I hate to say it, but I approve this message.”
As Murphy walked off the stage, he turned once more to the microphone and bawled, “You practically had a whole year people! And you still can’t decide on who to vote for? Jeepers! Both races are too close to call, the difference between the leaders is well within the margin of error. Jiminy Christmas!”
While many have criticized the media’s coverage of the 2008 presidential election, fingers hadn’t been pointed at the American public. Until now. And when New Hampshire Secretary of State Guy Bannister took to the podium, he assumed the role of bad cop as he hectored and cajoled New Hampshire and Iowa residents to make up their minds. “It’s not American Idol, where you need to wring your hands and check in with your 15 best friends on MySpace to make sure you’re picking the best contestant. It’s the leader of the free world, it should be pretty obvious who can do the job and who can’t. Now you’ve really done it. So say good-bye to the Christmas goose and hello to Hillary Clinton and John Edwards discussing the nuances of semi-privatized health care. And if you can’t pay attention to that, we’re going to roll out Joe Biden, who will discuss his sophisticated Plan for Iraq, which involves splitting the war-torn country into Kurdish, Sunni and Shia sections. If you think ‘A Wonderful Life’ makes you sleepy, you have another thing coming to you.”
Several anonymous sources say that Santa Claus had not been consulted in advance of the cancellation announcement. The chief furry elf was said to be enraged about the development, which comes just as his high-tech North Pole production line is cranking into high gear. It’s likely that all the toys and trinkets the factory has manufactured for this Christmas season will go to waste. Claus is also said to be upset at missing his yearly binge on milk and cookies.
Some candidates, like Mike Huckabee, are trying to avoid the public backlash over the canceled holiday. Huckabee just rolled out a spot where he sympathizes with viewers who’ve been besieged with countless political entreaties from the candidates in all forms of media. “What really matters,” says Huckabee “is the celebration of the birth of Christ.” While that may be true, when this reporter set out to find out What Jesus Would Do about all this controversy, the Son of God was nowhere to be found.
Nativity scenes across New Hampshire and Iowa had been replaced with Campaign 2008 signs.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on December 20, 2007. Read the original PDF.