By SACKASOMETHING Daily Planet Slave
As part of its $200 million “continuum of care” for Santa Monica’s vagrants, city officials have made a series of improvements to its social service programs.
The improvements, which were credited to City Councilman Bobby Coniver, are not designed to help get people off the streets but rather to make them more comfortable here.
“Let’s be real, our efforts were never designed to lift people out of poverty,” said City Hall’s social service director Betty Bleedingheart. “So in an effort to be more transparent, we’ve decided to openly share our plans with the public.”
The first cause for relief will be a new debit card issued by City Hall that can only be used at area liquor stores.
After meeting with the city’s 11,679 liquor store owners during his campaign, Coniver came up with the idea to distribute debit cards for the homeless to make sales and consumption easier.
“It streamlined the process for both parties and it was really a win-win situation for them,” Coniver said. “Instead of having to carry around all that cash, just one swipe with that card allowed them to consume with more ease and the store owners didn’t have to deal with complicated transactions because as we all know, our transients don’t keep their money in gold clips like mine; it’s usually all crumpled up.”
City Hall also plans to implement new rules in area parks and public spaces, designed to allow the city’s less fortunate dominate areas for longer periods of time.
“When we surveyed our transient population, the hassle of them having to move around frequently was at the top of their pet peeves list,” said City Hall’s parks director Humpy Hindsight.
Beginning today, joggers won’t be allowed to use area parks from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m., and baby strollers and mothers are strictly forbidden at all times of the day.
“Looking at those pathetic families all day constantly served as a reminder of where my life could have gone,” said Lester Laydowner. “I hate normalcy and thankfully the city is starting to realize where its priorities are.”
As part of a new Meals on Wheels program, Roach coaches will be set up at every intersection that will only serve burritos and beer. On weekends, tequila shots will be offered from 6 a.m. to 7 a.m. City Hall will cover all of the costs.
Asked where the money will come from, City Hall’s public information officer Trudy Ramblinon said: “I don’t have any information about that but I can tell you that everything is peachy in this city by the sea.”
Mayor Ham O’Thronner read a proclamation at last week’s City Council meeting that summarized the new direction: “Whereas, the city of Santa Monica cherishes its transient population for all that it contributes to society; and Whereas the city of Santa Monica wouldn’t at all have the same character without the transient population and Whereas our reputation as the homeless capital of the world would diminish if we don’t embrace and enable our transients, we will continue with our continuum of care, thereby making life much more accommodating for them here.”
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2005. Read the original PDF.