By SLACKARIASTONE Daily Planet Slave
The city has sold its coveted pier to an entertainment conglomerate so it can be turned into a major theme park, it was announced over the weekend.
City officials have thrown in the towel trying to keep local businesses afloat — they have decided going all chain is a strong plan during these economic times.
Wall-to-Wall Drisney has bought up the last of Slanta Monica’s character as officials handed over the rights to the pier Sunday. A dedication ceremony will take place today, April 1.
“Let’s face it, Slanta Monica is a chain town so let’s show the world that through our largest symbol — the pier,” said Mayor Mikey I’mdoinfine. “We lost our flavor long ago so let’s all just embrace the wonderful world of Drisney.”
Wall-to-Wall Drisney plans to level the existing pier and start over with a multi-plex of cinemas and plenty of retail shops to sell its long line of softgoods.
“There are plenty of views ocean elsewhere,” said council moaner Rich Croom. “We decided that we wanted Slanta Monica to be the first city by the sea that completely blocks out the Pacific Ocean from its view. It’s cutting edge.”
Officials from the company said they will let inner city children paint murals of the ocean on the buildings’ interior to give them a sense of place.
“It’s a win-win for all,” said company spokesman Gubba Hump, who used to work for Maramount. “It gives kids a sense of pride to see that they can create the ocean views as Mother Nature intended — the Drisney way.”
Slanta Monicans will be encouraged to wear mouse ears as a symbol of the city’s pride.
Some of the planned themes around the pier will include Drisney’s core competencies like music, concept stores, movie studios, network programming, retail stores and making a lot of dough.
Sources close to the deal say the city is in negotiations to sell everything east of 20th Street as well. A logical buyer would be Wall-to-Wall Drisney, they say.
“Look, they would just take all of that for their office space and the city would rid itself of that part of town,” said the Deep Throat. “They only need to be concerned with the downtown core. They think it will be good for the media octopus to wrap its tentacles around the city limits to shield it from any outside pressures.”
But in an effort to make sure the community’s needs are balanced, the city council has decided to create a new mall along Fourth Street that features discount stores like Wal-Nart, the 98 cent store and K-Fart.
The PromeNOT, as it’s called, will be the town’s gathering place, officials believe.
“We need to still be able to shop locally and that’s what is affordable,” said Mayor I’mdoinfine. “It took a lot of work to make this all happen so quickly. Tomorrow is our future. Very cutting edge.”
“It took a lot of work to make this all happen so quickly. Tomorrow is our future. Very cutting edge.” — — MIKEY I’MDOINGFINE Slanta Monica mayor
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2002. Read the original PDF.