By METH SOSO Daily Planet Guest Slave
Today the City Council begins debate on a controversial new strip of massage parlors. The proposed Massage Promenade also known as “Happy Finish Row” is expected to cum under fierce opposition.
Happy Finish Row would be a block-long walk street of “upscale, Asian-style massage parlors” lined with twinkling lights and novelty stores, supporters claim. Detractors point out that the lights are nothing more than neon signs and the novelty stores are just liquor and porn outlets.
Councilman A. John, the sponsor of the new project, claims to be a patron of many of the local massage parlors sprinkled around the city.
“We need to centralize our local massage industry. I think it would be boon to our fine city to allow visitors to have a sort of one-stop shopping for this service.”
John added that Santa Monica could compete with Amsterdam and Bangkok for tourist dollars.
“Our city wants to take all comers,” John said, with a satisfied smile.
The initiative is a political hot potato with both sides prodding and stroking each other.
“It’s like a big missile loaded with explosives just ready to blow,” noted Councilman Rock Hartpence, just before getting a parking ticket.
Prudence Frost, a former assistant to Atty. Gen. John Ashole, is leading the fight against John and the massage parlor proprietors. At a news conference she made these remarks: “These so called massage places are nothing more then brothels, with nubile young supple women offering warm, oil-sweaty men a happy ending.”
When a reporter pressed Ms. Frost harder she seemed to respond with a low moan, and then a flushed a bitand announced she had to leave. However, she did schedule some one on one interviews with some of the reporters for later that evening.
HJ On Mee owner of H.J.-R-Us, one of the businesses set to break ground on the new strip, said of the naysayers, “They just need to relax. They should stop by my place for a relaxing massage and body scrub provided by one of my lovely young staff of highly trained practitioners.”
Mr. Mee who also chairs the local chapter of the California Union of Massage (CUM), claims massage brings tourism and tax dollars to Slanta Monica, as well as providing many people the “hand release” they can not get at Turke Trilliams.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2003. Read the original PDF.