By BLAST BY SETH BARNES
At this point, almost a full decade into the Internet era and a solid 25 years since joggers hit the asphalt en masse, you know the drill. You open your e-mail inbox to find a message from somebody on the periphery of your social network. An aunt in Topeka, Kan. Your estranged wife’s new boyfriend. A software rep named Hap who you once drunkenly exchanged business cards with at a sales conference cocktail party. The sender could be virtually anyone, but the subject is always the same: “Help Me Defeat (insert name of wretched incurable disease) Now!!!”Your first inclination is utter amazement, because: The world’s leading doctors are on the brink of eradicating a heretofore terminal affliction.
The individuals sending you this news has somehow stepped out of their dull, workaday existence to become an intimate part of a group that is on the brink of curing cancer or providing footwear for the poverty-stricken children of the world.
After opening the e-mail, the facts become clear. Said individual has a less grandiose scheme in mind: He or she will subject themselves to a test of endurance and courage (a 10-kilometer road race), at the conclusion of which they’ll go an extra mile by donating a lump sum of cash from their own pocket to their favorite charity, who will then turn around and redouble research and treatment efforts.And of course by “cash from their own pocket” I really mean “shakedown money they cajole from assorted family, friends, co-workers and semi-acquaintances.”
The Charity Roadracer exists,and he or she is probably coming to an inbox near you. In fact you’ve probably already brushed up against this modern marvel, this philanthropist in gleaming white Nikes and Lycra stretch pants. E-mail is a perfect vehicle for disseminating this propaganda. With a click of the “send” button, he delicately flutters into the lives of his compatriots with a small reminder: “Hello. Hope all is well. In case you forgot, I’m in stupefying cardiovascular condition. I’m a physical treasure. Sometimes I break into stride, and don’t stop for upwards of three hours. It’s effortless. Anyway, I also devote myself tirelessly to a kaleidoscope of charitable causes. Goodwill oozes from my pores. That’s all for now!”
But I don’t want to question the motives of these perpetual do-gooders. I can’t pretend to understand their motives. Perhaps they awoke one morning and decided enough was enough, that they were going to stare cancer in the eye, and run crisp seven-minute miles until the disease agreed to relent.
So instead of playing the cynic, I have another suggestion: Invest in a good cause by way of your Charity Roadracer. Get into the act, crack open you checkbook, click that Pay Pal link with gusto. Initially, you may have the familiar, sinking feeling that creeps upon you after some rotund fellow from the human resources department has just relieved your wallet of several $20 bills in exchange for a stack of his daughter’s Girl Scout cookies, but you’ll move past that.
The fact is, like all bond, stock, or mutual fund managers, your runner has an obligation to produce a return on your investment.
Like him, you want to be fit, nimble, healthy and devastatingly athletic. You want that life-affirming, hard-work-never-hurt-anyone kind of glow that surrounds someone walking home from the gym after a strenuous workout.You want to be kind and virtuous — a person who isn’t afraid to lend a hand — or a dollar — to somebody in need. You want to be achingly aware of those less fortunate, cognizant of the sick and suffering.
But most importantly, you don’t want to lift a finger to achieve any of this.
Let me suggest — nay insist — that you can realize those aspirations by way of the Charity Roadracer.You aren’t giving yourself enough credit; you can be charitable and athletic by proxy, a virtual Godzilla of health and virtue. Why should you gradually slog your way for 26-plus miles under your own foot power, only to collapse into the arms of a complete stranger once you reach the end? Like a savvy financial tycoon, you can realize riches on the backs of the highly motivated riffraff under your employ.
Consider the Charity Roadracer your personal envoy to the world of health and fitness. Since you’re bankrolling their efforts, you certainly deserve a share of the credit for their hard work and determination. Why spend your valuable time huffing and puffing when you can pay for all the satisfaction, joy and sense of accomplishment that exercise offers?
As summer comes upon us, the fit and thin multitudes will be hitting the road looking for support and financial backing. I encourage you to support them to the best of your wallet’s ability. (Seth Barnes)
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on July 6, 2006. Read the original PDF.