By Daily Planet slaves
Because of rising business costs, we’re having to change our fee schedule for keeping one’s name out of the paper if one becomes enmeshed in trouble. We have also found it necessary to alter the charges for placing someone else’s name in the paper in a bad light.
The charge for a straight name-censorship will rise to $100 effective April 15. If you are a member of the Chamber of Commerce, the price will be $150; Bayside District, $165; and north of Montana, $175.
However, Moms on Montana can take advantage of our two-for-one special, and keep their name out of the paper not once, but twice. To qualify, you must prove you live, used to live or aspire to live near Montana or bring three (3) receipts from any coffee shop along that strip.
If you are homeless, the price is only $25 to keep your name out of the paper, but we won’t accept spare change.
If you are a member of SMEAAR, Santa Monicans Everywhere Are Always Right, the price is $75. But you must prove you actually do rent. We can manage a mere mispelling for a discount, so that it will look like we just can’t get our facts straight, which is what we’re supposed to do when reporting on SMEAAR anyway.
SMEAAR members should reserve this privilege in advance, since there are few earthly reasons why anyone who is a member of SMEAAR would want to keep his or her name out of the paper.
If you are a member of the Green Party, you may excise your name for $75 as well.
If you are a member of both SMEAAR and the Green Party, the rate is $65.
If you have already been in the paper during the past year, there is a 20 percent surcharge as we will have to spend extra time explaining your disappearance.
Members of any hotel union will also receive the $75 rate. However, if you are an entire hotel wanting to keep out of the paper, the rate is your regular room rate times the number of rooms in the hotel (e.g., one night’s “rack rate.”).
Other businesses may negotiate a hardship discount. To do this, you will need a plausible sob story for how the recession/war/economy/weather is treating you. If you make a case that city parking tickets and other city fees are eating into your livelihood, you qualify for a further discount.
People who want to get their enemy’s names in the paper and placed in a bad light will also find their fees increasing by modest amounts. To obtain this privilege, you may negotiate a “brown bag” rate, which is available by telephoning Angela, who picks up the brown bags.
Other rates are also changing. These include our rates for publishing the mug of your choice, or insurance against the most terrible shot being published, since this is always what we seem to do.
If you would like to submit a horrible mug on behalf of someone else you don’t particularly like, please see “brown bag” rates above.
We regret that the rising costs of business have made these fee changes necessary. (Actually, we don’t regret it at all, just deal with it!).
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 1, 2003. Read the original PDF.