By Dorie Meek Dear Dorie
Dear Dorie, I’ve noticed that my preschooler has started to say, “I’m not going to be your friend anymore” when she doesn’t get her way. It feels like she’s bullying her way through her social surroundings but everything I read about bullying focuses on older children. What’s going on?
Dear Watcher, The first response for any parent regarding a preschool scenario is to talk to the teacher. He/she may have insight into particular social behaviors and their unique vocabulary. Ask your teacher for a few minutes at their earliest convenience. Then explain your concerns with specific examples including what your daughter said and what was happening right before she said it. Your teacher should be able to clearly explain what is happening in the classroom and the outdoor learning environment. This can help explain where your daughter picked up the phrase and how it is being modeled for usage in her life.
The “friend” sentence you write about is painful to hear but fairly typical. Girls are more adept at emotional or verbal behaviors that hurt feelings, versus physical behaviors that hurt bodies. One is not necessarily preferable to the other. “Bullying” actually refers to repeated maltreatment of a peer with one person clearly in a position of power. Your pre-schooler is more than likely randomly trying out the phrase and watching for the reaction — this certainly warrants attention but is not necessarily bullying.
Start with gathering information and then really listen to your child. Do your best not to blame or question why she is saying this, but teach her that this sentence is inappropriate. Encourage her to find other ways to express her emotions — I didn’t like it when (fill in the blank) is a good start for a preschooler.
If you can help her understand that it is okay to be angry with someone, but not okay to use friendship as a punishment then the phrase should disappear. Good luck.
Dorie DORIE MEEK is director of the Infant & Family Support Program, provided by Saint John’s Health Center in partnership with the Santa Monica-Malibu Unified School District. Submit your questions to
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on June 26, 2007. Read the original PDF.