their best friends
By GUEST COMMENTARY BY DAVID J. BREDEHOFT, PH.D.
Ian Pierpoint of Synovate, a market research company, recently surveyed 1,000 parents who lived with children ages 12 to 30, and an additional 500 children in the same age range in the US, UK and Canada. Pierpoint found that: ■ 43 percent of parents say they want to be their child’s best friend. ■ 40 percent would buy their children everything they wanted if they could. ■ 37 percent would prefer their kids at home at all times because they want to protect them. ■ 71 percent of parental child purchases are made without any child request. Parents guessed at what their teen or young adult would want rather than something he or she asked for. ■ 47 percent of the teens say they intend to stay home as long as they can. ■ 41 percent of 20-24 year olds are living at home. ■ 56 percent of parents are in no hurry for their children to leave home. ■ 72 percent of parents would welcome their children back at any time. ■ 65 percent of teens believe their parents “try hard to be a friend.” ■ 40 percent of teens indicated they would raise their own kids differently.
Further, Pierpoint said a best-friend parent “doesn’t give you rules and tell you what to do.” Best-friend parents interviewed for this study felt their own parents didn’t understand them and that is why they want to be seen by their children as someone who is fun to be around, listens and is non-judgmental. (Sources: Personal communication with Ian Pierpoint and the USA Today, Oct. 12, 2004, p. 8D).
Best-friend parenting raises a number of questions. What does it mean to be a friend? What does it mean to parent? Can parents be friends with their children, and in doing so, do they abdicate parental responsibilities in exchange for friendship? How is a friend-to-friend relationship different from a parent-to-child relationship? Is there a difference between being a friend and being friendly? Is being a best-friend parent good for children, or is it a form of overindulgence? If so, what type?
I would argue that the role of parent and friend are very different — perhaps even conflicting. The Oxford English Dictionary defines a parent as “A person who holds the position or exercises the functions of a parent; a protector, guardian.” Friends are on the same level with you, equal in power while parents should hold more power than their children. Parents should be friendly, but should resist the urge to become a best friend. This can happen when the child becomes an adult.
When children are young, parents have very clear jobs. They make decisions in the best interests of children’s development. They say appropriate yes’s and no’s. They role model. They teach. They mentor. From time to time, they insist. They stand fast as consultants to their children as their children become ever more skillful and responsible. They act to keep children safe. They discipline. These are not the hallmarks of an equalized friend relationship. Friendly, yes. Best friend, no.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on November 23, 2004. Read the original PDF.