Dear Dorie, My son is 26 months old and I have a 9-month-old daughter that is just starting to crawl. Lately, he has been throwing tantrums anytime we have to leave someplace and go home. I can handle the screaming but the kicking when I have to get him into the car seat is really difficult physically and emotionally. I’m aware that this is typical sibling rivalry stuff but any suggestions on how to stop the fits would be appreciated.
Tantrum Tolerater Dear Tolerater, Welcome to the “Terrific Twos!” Your son is attempting to communicate his frustration about being demoted to the number two slot in your life (sorry Dad, you’re number three) and his verbal skills are either in development or just don’t feel good enough to use.
The good news is that your son’s behavior is perfectly healthy and developmentally appropriate. The bad news is that struggling to get a healthy toddler into a 5-point car seat while he’s in the middle of a tantrum can throw your back out faster than his sister dirties her diaper. So let’s see what we can come up with to save your spine.
First, take a look at what’s going on at home. My hunch is that your outings are probably local parks with playgrounds, library story times or maybe a special class for toddlers…something fun for your son. Home, on the other hand, is probably where you’re breast-or bottle-feeding the baby, carefully supervising her early attempts at crawling or nurturing quietly while she and anyone else sleeps. Home, therefore, becomes not-fun-anyplace-but-here-is-better–land to a toddler.
Start by setting aside specific time for you and your son at home doing something fun without the infant. Create this special one-on-one time as much as possible remembering that his world has been put into crisis with the arrival of his little sister. A mentor of mine suggested that it would be like my husband bringing home another woman and saying, “I still love you just as much as I always have, but now there’s going to be three of us.” Accommodate his needs as well as the baby’s.
Second, be flexible on the departure time from your morning adventures. You don’t need to rush home to get lunch when you bring it with you. The baby can nap anywhere; so unless you’re trying to get a few Zs, let her nap in the stroller or jogger while big brother gets some extra time to play.
Finally, if he’s had a series of bad tantrums, look back at what is happening right before and see if you can identify a trigger. Oftentimes, fatigue or low blood sugar can throw a toddler right over the edge. If you can sense his rhythm with a baby on your hip (no small task), you might be able to prevent his crisis. Good luck.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on May 1, 2007. Read the original PDF.