YOU SLIP UNNOTICED INTO THE thump thump of the thriving crowd on the dance floor. Lights shift back and forth. You feel epileptic. They look epileptic.
They being the grinders and shakers, the many — many — men. Some old, some young. Some very young. There seem to be literally thousands of them. And not just in this club — in all the clubs in West Hollywood (and beyond). And all at the same time. Where did they all come from, these gay people? It’s like an invasion. You swear they weren’t here two years ago. So many new faces, yet you know none. And yet... you’ve seen it. Been here, done him. And him.
A virtual ocean of nameless potential. This scene is unending, almost impossible to behold. So many drawn to it, so few truly find what they’re looking for in it. As you stand at the edge, ready to jump into your next one-night stand, you’re frozen.
Stuck. In wonder. In confusion. Frustration. Sorrow.
Is there anyone even worth knowing? Worth having even a friendship with? In a sea of shallow waters, is there a deep end? I want to dive in, swim to the depths, but with whom? To whom? I feel like I’ve tried this before and cracked my head on the bottom. Over and over again. Perhaps that explains the temporary amnesia that led me to this spot.
A careless look from a not-completely-repulsive stranger is enough,always was,to pull my mind from the dream of destiny and eternity into the now and tonight, if only for one night. Because that is what we get in this grand scheme: One night. Last night. That night.
No, that’s not what we get… that’s what we give ourselves. Reducing our standards of love from the long-term to the here-and-now tends to take its toll. Brings us down — from no pedestal. The gay community has never been placed that high. Much to our chagrin, but much due to our very own behavior.
No, there was never any pedestal. All of this just brings us down from what we dreamed as little children, lying in our beds, casting our thoughts to that day of future companionship. We don’t have those dreams, it seems. Not anymore. When you get wrapped up in the scene, it never wraps. There’s never a cut. A dissolve here and there, in between hangovers. But a fade out, a sail away into the sunset? That film can’t even develop. So ask yourself what you set your heart on, all those years ago when you imagined (recall imagining?) what your life, your love would be. Where did those dreams take you? What was the silver lining on the clouds in your sunset? Can you even remember? So I say, hold out! Believe again. In love. In something worth more than the 15 minutes it takes. In something worth fighting for. You never know. Dreams happen.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on May 10, 2007. Read the original PDF.