By Vickie Falcone
Imagine someone you feel connected to, like a close friend. If she asked you for a favor, wouldn’t you go out of your way to help? If someone you don’t feel connected with (like the relative or coworker who only calls when he needs something) asks a favor, wouldn’t you be less inclined to offer support? Children feel the same way. When they’re experiencing a strong connection with us, they naturally want to maintain that connection and harmony by listening and cooperating.
Establishing this connection starts when we become aware of children’s four emotional needs and the importance of meeting them. The acronym for the four needs is “PHIL”: Children need to feel powerful, heard, important and loved.
Children, like adults, want to feel the authentic power that comes from having influence and input about their environment. We help children feel powerful when we offer choices (without rushing them), ask their opinion or allow them to lead us in an activity. Children also want to be heard and understood — not just the words they say, but the essence of their communications. We help children feel heard when we make eye contact when they are speaking and when we get down on their level to communicate. They want to feel important — that what they have to say matters and that they’re valuable enough to warrant their parents’attention. Children feel important when parents take the time to ask and consider their opinion, and when parents spend time joyfully connecting with them. They also need to feel unconditionally loved — loved simply because they exist.
Misbehavior happens when children inappropriately seek to fill the hunger for the four core needs. Power struggles erupt when children feel powerless. Children scream for attention when they don’t feel heard or important.
In the next interaction with your child, instead of asking yourself, how can I get my child to ________? change the question to, what is my child trying to tell me? Jump at the chance to discover your child’s need then help PHIL it.
When your child knows a fulfilling connection with you is readily available, it’s like a high-speed Internet line to your heart that’s always live. They know they can easily tap into the power of your love and get connected. They feel better about themselves. They naturally feel less needy, so they often behave in a way that’s less demanding. They feel PHILed — powerful, heard, important and loved. And you feel the peace of mind that comes with practicing peaceful, connected parenting. (Vickie Falcone speaks nationally and is the author of “Buddha Never Raised Kids and Jesus Didn’t Drive Carpool: Seven Principles for Parenting with Soul” (Jodere, 2003). Join her at Agape Spiritual Center in Culver City and learn practical skills for parenting: Sunday, April 18, 2004 from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m. For more information, call Rev. Charles Hall at (310) 348-1260, ext. 428 or visit www.ParentingWithSoul.com).
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on April 6, 2004. Read the original PDF.