By STEVE BREEN is a self-described Reagan Republican and the “best looking mailman in the U.S. Postal Service.” He dul-
LAST WEEK, DEMOCRATIC STUD MUFFIN Eliot Spitzer joined the MLB [Major League Bonehead] team of “Men with No Brains.”He joins an All-Star line up of the world’s two oldest professions replete with high maintenance harlotry, publicly funded mini bar charges and self inflicted kicks in the crotch.
On first and second base we have the two Garys, (Hart and Condit) with Antonio Villaraigosa at shortstop while Mirthala Salinas calls the game. Newt Gingrich is at third (marriage) and Barney Frank is catching at home plate. And on the mound today is all time MVP Hall of Famer, former Horn Dog in Chief, “Smokin” Billy Jeff Clinton.
Larry Craig is taking a “wide stance” as first base coach after “stalling out” in Minneapolis and is on the injured DL while Mark Foley is still trying to keep his hands off of the batboys. Jessica Hahn, Donna Rice and Fanne Fox lead the cheerleading squad but Monica Lewinsky couldn’t make it because she couldn’t find her blue dress. This afternoon the outfield includes Jesse Jackson in left field, Jimmy Swaggart in right field and Earl Paulk all over the place.
Clarence Thomas is the umpire at home plate.
Unfortunately, in this game, the more “home runs” you hit, the bigger the loser you are.
Now let me get this straight, to facilitate the marginalization of the luridly libidinous debauchery of our “erected officials,” why haven’t we legalized the first “oldest profession” so we don’t have to drown in the neap tide of drool concerning the sweaty peccadilloes from the members of the second? With the home mortgage crisis, the Bear Stearns bailout, capital flight and growing stagflation, why aren’t we pimpin’ out the only industry that appears to have survived in this country?
“If everybody in this town connected with politics had to leave town because of chasing women and drinking, you would have no government.” — -Barry Goldwater, Conservative Grand Poobah
Legalized strumpetry will accomplish more as a stimulus package than any Fed bailout. Think “work ethic”rather than “corporate welfare.” Adam Smith intoned, “Consumption is the sole end and purpose of production”. Anybody hungry? Baby Daddy got some sugar for ya! Let’s make “sexy time” and solve our trade deficit.
Folks, this may be premature, but we could make some real money here. More money than Hefner has Viagra. More baksheesh for healthcare, education, and housing. There would be no more wars, as everybody would be too tired to fight. Social Progressive Democrats are allegedly more “sex positive” while repressed Republicans like me, however, are like cold oatmeal when it comes to this sex thing, so all you wet T-shirt liberals out there need to lunge forth and pick up the squirt bottle on this.
Social Progressive Democrats could open a sex positive environmentally sustainable organic vegan brothel right here in Santa Monica! Think “Whole Foods.” Don’t think “hookers,” think “Intramural Marital Consultants.” We’re all cool when it comes to sex, right? Pinkberry could sell “special toppings” but you have to go to the back room for that.You could get it “your way” at Burger Kink and going to Jiffy Lube for an oil change would be … well … different. We could put parking meters mounted to the beds that only take $20 bills. “Parking Enforcement” could come by and check to see if you’re still “double parked” and issue a citation if your meter has expired. The only foreseeable problem is where to stick the ticket!
We could balance the federal budget, fund ANY ninny headed program envisioned by the Democrats AND still have cash to burn if we just say YES to sex! Why should politicians spend all the money AND have all the fun?
This would most assuredly be a “happy ending” for all. Someone pass me a cigarette.
Levity aside, my sincerest condolences is extended to any of the wives and children from the porcine actions of pulchritude deliberated by members of my gender upon you. No woman should have to endure the mortification, on national television, of a self righteous, philandering spouse trying to extricate himself from the confines of his pinching zipper (Hillary included), nor should the progeny of their union suffer the insufferable taunts of their classmates and friends over the goatish carnality of a jackass who, by mistake or intent, happens to share a common DNA helix.
I explicitly reject the bilious notion, expressed or inferred, that Silda Spitzer was-n’t enough of a wife with respect to her husband’s Icarian exploits. Hopefully, she avails herself in court at his excruciating expense. Eliot can keep his nipple rings and leather diaper; however, I’m sure he’ll find “cuddle time” in prison an interesting diversion.
Originally published in the Santa Monica Daily Press print edition on March 19, 2008. Read the original PDF.